My only suggestion is to see him as a guy you are considering dating. There is some potential there, but nothing is definite. You would never pretzel yourself like this with a guy you are considering. Don't do it with your H. I know it's so hard. But you should not be explaining yourself. No amount of explaining will ever satisfy him. Be busy and be breezy. If he wants to see you and you feel like it, do. If he acts like a jerk, just say, "Oh gosh, I don't want to hang out with you if you are going to act crazy" and pat his arm if you want and leave. LEAVE. The room, the restaurant, whatever it is. Don't participate in any drama. He is a teenager. And he is looking for reasons to hate you. No matter what you do, he will look for them and might believe them even if you are perfect.
So true, Gerda. Thank you for this. Especially the reminder that no matter what I say or do, he has his own narrative and I can't change that. I definitely would NOT be dating someone like him.
Originally Posted by may22
I think you are pushing yourself too hard to be this zen master level co-parent who can have a beautiful, loving holiday meal with her ex and their children, and you just really aren't there yet.
May, thank you for the 2x4, you are absolutely right. I have been thinking about what you said over the past few days and I think that maybe my detachment has allowed me to eclipse his current state and move into a space that he is not ready to be in with me. And maybe if I am really honest, I am not there yet either. I can handle things well when they are going OK, I can be the bigger person when there are small negative interactions few and far between, but I can't handle the big interactions yet.
And to further your comment, it is unfair of me to set him up for failure. To set both of us up for failure by expecting or hoping we are further along in the process than we really are. Part of me wants to keep the good times going because I see glimmers of his old self and glimmers of his second-guessing his decision. But the comedown is too hard when he reverts back to his spiral.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
The comment your child made to you. It’s very observant. And I imagine what he said was his way of saying “ I’m also very confused by this behavior” and I am sure it truly is very confusing. Which is also why I limited playing family in the beginning. We did things like take her for Santa pictures together a d celebrate her birthday together and sit together at school stuff, and maybe 2 dinners together a year. But we knew it would be awfully confusing for her. It’s not anymore . She’s simply very happy to have 2 divorced parent
Ginger, thanks so much for stopping by my thread! I loved hearing more about your story and appreciate your insight. How are you feeling? Is your quarantine over yet? What a drag this whole pandemic is.
You are so right about boundaries and holidays. I like your blanket approach to holidays and I totally get why it works.
And thanks for pointing out the confusion my kids are also feeling. As much as I am suffering right now, they are suffering so much more.
Cardi, thanks for the hugs, friend. I thought of you on Thanksgiving and was happy to read your update on DnJ's thread. You sound so good right now, sprinkle some of your magic on me, ok?
Journaling:
I am terrible at boundaries right now. H wanted to come over this evening and talk to the kids about taking them on a mini trip for a couple of days this week. I should have said he could have the conversation over the phone, I have been keeping my distance since Thanksgiving, but I allowed him to come. Something he said to me in a tone of voice I didn't like made me snap at him and it spiraled from there. I am finding myself putting him and his needs first a lot of the time, even very subconsciously and covertly, and it keeps biting me
I am really digging into my soul and questioning my own motives: am I back to trying to 'nice' him back? There is really no other person on this planet I would allow to treat me like this and frankly no other person on this planet who would even consider treating me like this. And I have split my soul open looking for all the terrible, dark, mean sides of myself, the sides that would be deserving of being abandoned like this, cleaning up as much of my side of the street as thoroughly as I can. And I still can't find justification for what he is doing. I am not perfect, but I am nowhere near the devil incarnate he makes me out to be when he feels justified to do so.
Are his actions a projection of how he feels about himself? Or do I need to continue digging through his muck to find those threads of truth about myself?
