Thank you Job so much for removing. I wouldn't want my child stumbling on it.
I am very fortunate to have people in my corner. and all it does take is one or two solid people. Im blessed to have met some of those people here.
I finally hit rock bottom. ANd I had a epiphany. I don't regret saying what I did except for the fact I have scared others. The reason I don't regret it is because how I was truly feeling. ANd I have been trying to talk myself out of how I was feeling and doing what I could to avoid those feelings. Because IRL, no one knows about them and a few people I did try to talk to about it basically have the same response. "everyone is struggling this year" " we all have our challenges this year" or like my dad, he gets upset when I try to tell him I am depressed and just says "yeah, you are miserable, I get it"
The truth is, what I was feeling was very valid and true. And this may sound awful, but I don't care that everyone is struggling this year. That doesn't make MY struggle any better, I have been dying inside. I have been in unbearable pain. I dont care what the year is, I know that I didn't want to be made to feel like my pain wasn't valid or I should just write it off to it being a rough year for everyone. I am having MY experience. But i kept thinking something is wrong with me, like I should talk myself out of my feelings and maybe they aren't a big deal.
But they were a huge deal. I haven't felt this awful in I couldn't tell you how long. ANd it was/is scary. I have never ever felt so so alone in my life. Actually, I feel abandoned. Not anyone elses fault. But I remember the last time i felt abandoned and scared is when my dad left and my mom went crazy. ANd that was when my survival skills kicked in. Where I felt I had no one. I didn't want to ask for help because I felt like everyone had failed me who was supposed to help me in my life. Then eventually my husband did the same. And I have always played everything off as I got it handled, I can do it on my own. ANd I do, but you know what? It scares the bejsus out of me to keep doing everything on my own. ANd I got back to that place.
But being able to say I am in massive amounts of pain has kind of freed me from it. To stop telling myself "I can handle this" when I honestly don't feel like I can. I just need to be honest with myself. ANd now that I am, I feel lighter.
I took a lot of punches this year. Everyone has, I know. But I have been taking a beating every single year pretty much. There was a few good ones where things felt like they were turning around, but I would get crushed again. ANd truth is, I trust nothing anymore.
All of that being said. I do feel better. I do need to make changes to deal with my feelings. Because I wasn't dealing with them in a healthy way. I'm ready to feel good again. I am going to do what it takes. Get healthy. physically and emotionally. Do what I need for me. Put me first for once. Try to accept help and ask for it when I need it without fear of judgement, rejection, or someone seeing me as an inconvenience. ANd I realize a sign of strength is asking for help when you need it.
I also realized why I gained weight and couldn't lose weight is because I kind of lost all willpower. ANd i basically just didn't care anymore. I care again. I am 40, which people keep calling young? It really isn't too late for me. I can feel good about myself again and achieve some goals.
COVID is rough for a single person with no family. But i have to learn to adapt. I'm sure I will figure it out and be happy at the same time.
Thanks for all the support as always. For 13 years this has been my safe place and I am thankful for that. I think this is the one last place i need to leave behind. I feel like it ties me to the past too much. Most people leave here when they move on with someone else. They build this new life and leave this place behind. It's a reminder. No one wants that and they want to leave it in the past. It might be time for me to leave it in the past too. most of you know where to find me on the other side
