I am sorry. I promised myself I would not think that way.and I’m sorry to have worried you. I felt like an inconvenience and it made me feel just so sad. But I have lots of good stuff to still do on this earth. So I’m
Not going anywhere anytime soon. Plus, my kiddo, she going to accomplish many things and I know she wants me there for that . She’s really the one who’s going to do amazing things and I need her.

I have decided when I see the doctor though to up my AD’s because I cry too much and feel hopeless sometimes. Like last night . And the wine . I tried getting back in therapy, because what I have been feeling I’ve generally been holding in. I’m very functional and happy go lucky to everyone around me. I share my feelings rarely. I think holding it in was enough already . And man do you have a lot of time to think when you are quarantined alone for days. Problem is with getting back into IC, is everyone is so depressed these days , they all have looooong wait lists .

I’m excited to be going back to work today actually. I couldn’t stare at another wall or watch another boring TV show. I have quite an appreciation for my job right now. We will see if I say that still after my first day back where we are short handed. But I can’t wait to see my coworkers and have conversations with humans! Even my funny old
People who I have to scream at for them to hear me.

Things are going to be fine. And I can’t wait to be able to walk again, which I have not been able to do. The pain has been so bad, I walk 50 ft and I am in awful pain and limping. Fixing this, and being able to get out for walks is going to definitely help the PMA

I had a cry last night like no other. I mean like one of those body shaking cries where you beg for god to help you. I was happy all day and when everyone left my house, for some reason I lost it and I couldn’t control my feelings. And it was seeing everyone leave. I didn’t want them to go anywhere

I think it’s out of my system. I feel better. Sorry again for what I posted. I should never say that. I’m lucky to be alive and mostly healthy and I would never be better off dead. The truth is, I don’t think I would be. But I feel others might. But I know that isn’t true either