Yes, I absolutely have internalized it, and I'm going nuts. It colors my whole world. The thing is, my husband tells me outright it's my fault. He says my personality turns him off. I admit, I am angry. You know how someone might say about someone else, "She's always so uptight. She needs to get laid"? Yeah. I'm a married woman, the wife of a handsome and able-bodied man, and I haven't gotten laid in nearly 2 years, and I am angry about it. The more we go without sex, the angrier I get, the more righteous of a position he's in to say it's my fault he can't have sex with me, and the more we go without sex. It's a vicious cycle.
He says he can't have sex with me because he can't get over things I said or did that hurt him. However, he has also said or done things that hurt me that I've never gotten over, but I was obligated to have sex with him when he wanted it, even if it meant painful sex for me.
For a while, we wanted to blame low T. At first, the numbers were a tad low but not definitively so. Then, a couple years later, they were rather low and maybe significantly so. So he went on hormonal treatment, and now the numbers are within normal range. But more or less, he has always had a tendency to characterize the issue as a failure on my part to seduce him.
My husband is in IC. However, I wouldn't be surprised if terms like "divorce" and "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody" get bandied about there. As far as our relationship is concerned, anything unpleasant is always my fault, and I'm sure his experience in IC just serves to drive that home as well as what a terrible wife I am. He does not have the introspection, self-reflection, self-awareness it takes to own up to anything unpleasant with regard to me or our marriage. He would rather blame me. This has always been an issue. I will probably say more about that later.
Yes, he absolutely is walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders. More about that later.
I know I'm vulnerable to other men. The idea of cheating has always been abhorrent to me. But recently, a man who lives in a different state flirted with me over DMs on Twitter. I don't know his name or what he looks like, but it made me feel good in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. It was harmless banter overall, but I didn't think it would sit right with his wife. So I told him to tone it down. And I haven't heard from him in a while.
I always thought the DB book was like a "new and improved" version of DR. Are they very different?
The day after our fight, my husband was outside doing yard work all day long. I took our toddler to run an errand and go for a walk in a touristy part of town. Shortly after we got back home, my husband walked in the door. Usually, after a fight, it is awkward between us, and we kind of avoid each other. But for some reason, when he walked in the door, this thought came to my mind out of nowhere along the lines of: What if my son had a wife he didn't want to be with, and what if his wife rather disliked him too? It made me have compassion for my husband in a motherly fashion, and I gave him a kiss, just a peck on the lips. I swear it wasn't pursuit. He seemed to appreciate it. I was on the verge of tears, but I don't think he noticed. We've been getting along overall, but I still get edgy. I'll try harder to not get edgy.
