Hello everyone. Hope everyone in the states had a good thanksgiving.

It’s been a little while, and I’m happy to share that I’m not depressed. For a few days I thought I might be, but I’ve since evened out. I think it was the shock.

I’ve started a new exercise program, a new daytime listening curriculum of self/help and discovery while I work, and I’ve renewed my interest in my side business. I am maintaining my position of not pushing life, even though it has been difficult a few times to hold to and remember that.

I’m focusing on myself and my kids. The last few weeks since I resolved myself to not push, I’ve noticed my wife being more and more open and expressive around me. She seems relaxed, and acting much more like a normal person and more responsible roommate. I’ve even noticed she’s started to do chores around the house - I can’t overstate what a change that is, she normally lets rotten food pile up with clothes on the floor while she plays on her phone, and there’s only so much I can do since I work full time and the kids are more than a full time job. It occurs to me now - though I’m trying not to put much thinking into it - that her “looking for apartments” might have been a shot across my bow, and since I’ve backed off (and shut down for a few weeks), she relaxed. It’s possible, maybe even likely.

With the relaxed state comes more confusion. I was a little rattled on thanksgiving that with all the family togetherness - cooking, laughing, playing charades (her idea - she never plays games), that when it came to say thanks she had one for each of the kids but not even a passing thankfulness that I’m here or I exist, and it was just the 4 of us. That hurt for an hour or so until I was able to let go and accept it. I think it was the hot/cold change that jolted me, but I should have prepared for it. No expectations, right?

The incongruity of her attitude (family togetherness, coldness at dinner) got me to do some reading over on the MLC board, and luckily I stumbled across AmyC’s post about what she did/felt as the MLC spouse experiencing and doing that. It really touched me.

I’m not putting any stock or thinking into how to affect change in my W anymore - her journey is her journey, at her pace. But I am acquainting myself with any and all reading that will help me understand my situation, in addition to working on myself. And I was shocked to read AmyC’s experience and see just how many things matched up to my sitch: irrational disregard for things she used to care about (clean house, good financial choices, others’ feelings, family time), the pushing away of anything or anyone that would make her think, feel, or question herself, etc. MLC feels like a good match for my W’s behavior, and it helps me understand a few things if so - mostly, the notion that MLC comes from someone’s upbringing, and that that particular person would have gone thru MLC, married or not. That was a jolt to read, and helps me really solidify the “I didn’t break her, I can’t fix her” narrative. It’s NOT about me, and likely never has been.

Also in the MLC reading was seeing how HARD MLCers hide from reality, and that for many it REALLY does have to get worse before it gets better - they have to run to the end of their rope and lies for their rewritten narrative to unravel. I hope that’s not the case, but if it is, this is only the calm before a storm that may need to happen. Maybe my W will “wake up” before that.

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The thing I’m pondering now is how to blend my previous practice of self-actualization and getting rid of NGS with my newfound stance of not pushing. This is more of a philosophical conundrum, since one is a “pushing” energy (pushing myself and my needs and my non-NGS essence into the world) and the other is a “passive/accepting” energy (letting what is and what others are, be, and allowing life to unfold.) I can feel the energy shift inside me, and I find it confusing to go from “push” to “accept” and back again - I’m just not sure yet how to rectify these two seemingly incongruous ideas. But I feel that, if I can get them in balance, I’ll have solved an important step for my own growth.