I’m glad you had a good Thanksgiving Day. And I agree, Mom’s cooking would have been nice and was missed.
Good for you having W over. You are walking a fine path my friend.
No one’s situation starts out easy. A low energy vanisher without a suspected AP is still difficult. It is us that turns it into something easier. It is our outlook, choices, compassion, empathy, and beliefs, that turn our individual situations for the better. It is excellent you now see your situation as easy.
Imagine, if everyone had to dump their problems, stresses, concerns, and so on, into a big pile where everyone could see everyone else’s. Then we had to choose “our” problems. We all would rush to grab our own problems back.
It’s the 83 problems we all carry. The 84th one - thinking we shouldn’t have any problems - when one sees the truth in that 84th problem, accepts it, and solves it, things become easier. We all have 83 problems. Always. And we get to choose which ones we carry around.
Originally Posted by Taz
The boys do not know that she filed and I will hold off telling them until I feel it is necessary. I at least want to wait until they complete the semester final exams in a few weeks.
Originally Posted by Taz
Not sure how S19 feels about his mom as he is guarded with his feelings just like his mom. I just try to show him I’m here for him when he is ready to open up.
You suspect the boys do not know she filed - you don’t know. Unless you asked “Did you know that Mom filed for divorce?”. Of course then they would know. So until then, you can at best suspect they are in the dark about this. They may be choosing not to open up.
S21 seems rather open. He did suggest inviting W/Mom over for dinner. S19 is guarding his feelings more than S21. You are leading their way, be their beacon.
Did S19 interact with Mom when she was over? Did S21?
You could break the ice for S19 with small queries or observations of their interactions. Or the events of the day. It may start him talking, or not.
From my experiences, my kids had some mixed up feelings. We did talk. And I shared my feelings probably more than they shared their’s at first. Once they see Dad being ok with being sad, sorry for Mom, compassionate, and forgiving; it is ok for them to be as well. They are looking for guidance. And that is not solving their feelings or problems. It is leading by example. Putting aside your fears and doubts and sharing, empathizing, and demonstrating how to walk in the light. How to forgive.
As I said, you are walking a very fine path Taz. I believe that having the three of you under one roof until mid-January could be a very good thing.
You have six weeks. What do you want to accomplish the that time? What do you want to demonstrate to your boys?
Compassion? Understanding? Forgiveness? Hope?
What good times do you want to have? What memories do you hope they will gain?
Now, don’t go changing gears. Be yourself. With a bit of a vision in mind is all.
This at first so horrible path of the LBS is actually quite an incredible opportunity. I believe you realize that.
It’s also quite horrible for the kids. Do you think they yet see, experienced, or believe in their own incredible opportunity?
That, is the beacon for a parent to become.
We show them by living it.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
