I've seen a lot out there on how if the spouse never really saw the MR as a M, or truly understood what a MR is you're MR is already wide open to cheating. H never really understood M, or what a MR really means. Through this process has started to understand that love isn't just about individual happiness. It's not about being in a transactional relationship. That it's truly about being willing to sacrifice you're own happiness for the MR, your spouse and your children. He says that I got him there. That it hurts knowing that I loved him so deeply and until now he really didn't even know how to give that kind of love. The self sacrificing kind. It's in moments like that that I realize keeping that lighthouse imagery in my head in my hardest times was the very best thing I could've done for myself and for us. I'm not all about the good Christian wife stuff. That's just not who I am. But being an example of how to love trauma after trauma after trauma makes me feel like I'm not just doing something right in my MR or my family, but that I'm just doing something right. Not letting all the bad in my life chill my heart. Knowing that it's still beating and ready and willing to love no matter how many times it's been broken.
This is such a beautiful paragraph, WF.
I remember that you mentioned H has insecurities. What role do you think insecurities play in H not really understanding what real love is or a MR? Do you think that your H has worked on some of his insecurities to reach this level of understanding? And how are you navigating those insecurities now when they pop up? Do they interfere with your own need for healing (ie, you can't be authentically hurt and say so because H will take it so personally because he feels so bad about himself for doing what he did to you?)
At this moment in my situation, paring back everything to the root and what I see is my H's insecurities leading us to this place. Of course it was a dance and I participated with my own issues, but if H wasn't so damaged by his childhood and didn't carry his insecurities with him everywhere, I don't think we would be in this place. And I am worried that he will never eclipse his insecurities in this life and that I will second-guess everything he does or doesn't do as being driven by those insecurities and not his authentic self (although maybe his authentic self is the insecure one).
Just musing on a Saturday morning. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving!
