Thinking about your sitch a bit... I still think that taking sex off the table for awhile wouldn't be a bad thing for either of you and could clear the decks for you two to build up something new without all the ghosts of these interactions right there. maybe you could consider it like a partial separation just within this particularly difficult context? I know it helped you both a lot to physically separate, and I wonder (as long as he didn't feel like you didn't want to sleep with him anymore because he was no good in bed, or something) if just taking a break for a while could help here in a similar way.
It does seem like your H has some pretty significant self-esteem issues. That has to be difficult for him, and also difficult to tamp down his familiar behavior of just lashing out at you and instead going to you to say how he feels, even if it seems ridiculous to you. So I guess I do think it would be helpful to reinforce him for taking that step and talking to you about it, and validating him is probably the very best way to do that.
Regardless of whether his feelings are rooted in his own insecurities and really have nothing to do with you, or if he thinks there is any validity to his complaints... I think letting him be heard and feeling that you understand how he feels is an important step to him ever getting past this behavior with you. I'm not a psychologist, but I wonder if he started to voice his fears to you, put them out there in the real world, feel that you empathize and understand him-- if that might start to bleed the fear and anxiety that live within him of some of its power. And feeling that you're in his corner 100% would probably also help him to tamp down those fears as well.
It seems to me that consistently telling him "these are your problems, not mine" was a very important step, in both helping you to be safe from his spew but also forcing him to look inward at what he's feeling. The fact that he's doing that now AND sharing how he feels with you seems a huge step to me. But if he continues to get the "this is your problem, not mine" response from you-- the same response he got when he spewed... I'm not sure he'll continue to share with you.
As someone who doesn't have to live the situation, it does seem like he's much, much better than he was a year ago. He's changed a lot. I'm especially impressed with his improved R with your eldest. Heartwarming.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
