Still Learning...

[may22]

(((Sage)))

Forgive me but I'm going to say something that you may not like or agree with, but I'm going to do it anyway and feel free to completely disregard it if you want. I think you are pushing yourself too hard to be this zen master level co-parent who can have a beautiful, loving holiday meal with her ex and their children, and you just really aren't there yet. You want to be, and there are days and weeks when you can be, but it feels like every other time you see him or spend time with him he acts like an @ss, it goes south, and it takes a huge toll on you.

And, he clearly isn't ready to be that person either. He is confused and can't seem to handle even the tiniest bit of interaction with you. Two hours late to Thanksgiving, lies, crazy-making suspicion and questioning (and I still feel he has zero right to ask those questions of you, period), leaves early. He can't be the enlightened co-parent partner to you either. He's too attached and scared and completely at a loss about what he wants. (As your child sees.)

Why are you pushing yourself, and him, to get to this next level so quickly? I think you need more time to let yourself heal and stop irritating the scab. Would you consider taking a real break from him for a month? No in-person conversations beyond the general pleasantries, no phone calls beyond what is absolutely necessary for the kids? And once you feel totally calm and settled and ready to face whatever he gives you with equanimity, take another few weeks and then test the waters?

To me, it feels a little bit like what you're trying to do right now is piece with him, except your goal isn't a renewed MR but a perfect co-parenting R. But he's not capable of being that partner to you, just like he isn't capable of being your H. He doesn't truly know what he wants, I think, so he can't be all-in on the perfect co-parenting R because he's not totally sure he doesn't still want the MR, in some ways. And then OW and what does that all mean, and his children, and all the fears and confusion seem to be overwhelming to him.

I feel like that perfect friendly co-parenting DR is probably harder to achieve than reconciling in an MR and requires so many of the same ingredients-- shared goals, strong communication, trust, respect. I feel like you're pressuring him into this new kind of R and he just isn't ready. And then he acts like a jerk and you react and maybe you're not really ready for that place yet, either.

Your child is amazing, I agree with Gerda. To me it makes it even easier to put a stop to letting him treat you like this, because your child sees it and knows it hurts and you still go back for more the next day.

I don't get the sense with you at all that you're hoping he'll snap out of it and tell you he wants back in tomorrow... but I do think you are expecting/hoping he will be different in another way, whether it is stopping this ridiculous Spanish Inquisition behavior, stopping the lying, stopping the disrespectful treatment... and nothing you do can make that happen. My guess is he has enough self-awareness that he knows he's being an idiot about the jealousy thing and he still can't help it. He knows he's being rude by showing up late and he knows you know he's lying. He probably feels at some level pretty $hitty about all of that too. But he doesn't have the self-control to do anything differently, right now. Why do you keep giving him the opportunity to fail? It hurts both of you, I think.

I know I asked this before, too, but I'll ask it again-- what stops you from emulating Alison when you get the spew or the inappropriate questioning? Can you draw a boundary around engaging in these conversations and simply STOP when they happen-- walk away, set down the phone, calmly say this is not okay for you to treat me like this and then remove yourself from the equation?

I'm glad you're feeling better about the house and homeschooling and able to get some exercise in. It makes such a difference. I hope you're feeling a bit better about Thanksgiving and indulging in some leftovers and pie and Netflix Christmas specials for the weekend. xx M