Thanksgiving was a mixed bag for me. H arrived 2 hours later than he said he would, which is not something he would ever do to anyone else in his life, manners mean so much to him. I felt disrespected, but didn't show it and let it go.
I had to run out to grab something from my mom's house. I would have done so prior to his arrival if I knew he was going to be so late, but I decided to wait until he got to my house so eldest wouldn't have to babysit. Another Spanish Inquisition ensued: why didn't I ask him to grab said item on his way? What was I actually doing there? Was I being safe (as in not kissing someone? Having a 1 second quickie? For heavens sake!)? etc etc. I really wanted the 20 mins to myself to have a quick cry about him being late and not having the courtesy to let me know. He lied to me about why he was late, outed himself within three sentences, which was a double stab.
We had a pleasant dinner and some good conversations, but he left early. All I have been craving for the past 12 days of quarantine was some adult company and I would have accepted other offers if I knew he was going to be so quick to leave. I have a hunch he went home to call OW, or whatever she is.
My wise child said later 'mama, I see that Daddy wants to be around you, hugs you and acts like he wants the divorce to go away and then he starts to act weird again. That must be really confusing for you and probably makes you really sad.' What did I do to deserve these wise children?
Another Spanish Inquisition this morning when he came to collect the kids for the day/evening. I gently confronted him by asking if we could talk and said that his suspicions scared me, that I had no control of his narrative despite my transparency and asked what he needed from me. I know that is a redundant question that he can't answer, and it was probably way to generous of me to ask in the first place, but it was the only way I felt at the time I could deflect his questions. He managed to turn it around on me before rescinding his 'yes' to talking about it. I accepted that he didn't want to talk and walked away with no bitterness.
I am feeling low, confused and not so detached at the moment. I think I need to come up with some sort of conversation to stop this whole projection from being mine to deal with. Any suggestions welcome.
