Losing my mind over my sexless state of marriage.

[SteveLW]

Hello, I've been a regular lurker here since 2016 but only registered for this forum yesterday.

My husband and I are approaching 2 years of no sex as he has no desire for me. He will kiss me hello and goodbye in greeting, hold hands and hug and stuff like that, but he has no desire to have sex with me. We are also approaching 1 year of separate bedrooms. He has the master bedroom, and I sleep with my 3-year-old. Since 2018, my husband and I have had sex 3 times - once at the end of 2018, and twice in the first half of 2019. I am losing my mind over the absence of sex and intimacy. You could say I've already lost my mind.

Last Saturday morning, my toddler was still asleep, and I went into the master bedroom. My husband was in bed watching YouTube videos about tiny houses. He invited me into the bed with him in a friendly manner. I got in the bed and eventually tried to initiate sex by kissing him in a sexual way, and he recoiled. Then he was looking up something on his phone. At first, I tried to play it off casually like it was no big deal. I went out to run an errand and get takeout, and in that time, I was stewing over being rejected. When I got back, he noticed I was upset and asked me why.

That led to a fight where eventually he was talking about divorce and using terms like "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody." That was alarming because he's not really the kind of guy whose vernacular would include such jargon unless he has been researching or talking to someone about it. He said I would have to get a job and my own apartment. I'm a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and we have one child.

We've been married almost 7 years, and the first time he mentioned divorce was a few months after our wedding. That devastated me, the sheer mention of the word, and I think it had a way of setting the tone for the rest of our marriage. It's just one of those words that, once they're said, can't be unsaid. Yet we're still married.

I can't fathom being apart from my child to the extent that my husband is proposing. Although I have nothing against divorce per se, as something other people pursue, I am completely averse to it as an option for myself. I want to live with my child full-time, and I want my husband to live with us full-time.

I'm 43, and my husband is 52. We were 36 and 46 when we married. I was 40 when I had our child. When we were having sex (before our child came along), it was already infrequent, and there were ED issues. He started seeing endocrinologists, but they didn't have any definitive explanations at that point. When I got pregnant, it was a big surprise. We were not particularly trying to conceive, but we weren't trying to prevent it, and time kept passing without getting pregnant, so it was a surprise when it happened, and we were overjoyed when it did. He may have been taking Cialis or something like that, but he wasn't undergoing any hormone treatment.

Part of my anguish over the sexless state of my marriage, aside from the fact that I like sex and would like to experience it, is that I desperately want another child, and the window of that being possible for me is passing if it hasn't already. Yes, I know this is not an ideal situation for a child. But I'm just throwing it out there that, besides being condemned to celibacy in my marriage, there's an element of grief for me over not having another child.

At the beginning of this year, my husband was still talking about wanting another child, though we were approaching a year of no sex. He has not brought it up since then. I brought it up in the fight we had last weekend that I am grieving over the fact that another child may not be possible, and he said nothing in response.

In the last couple years, testing revealed my husband's sperm count and other numbers to be rather low. Because the usual testosterone treatments have a tendency to cause infertility indefinitely, my husband was prescribed Clomid. Now his numbers are normal, and he is still taking Clomid as far as I know. But he still has no desire for me.

Since the fight last weekend, we've just been trying to be friendly, and we have been. It's not like he's insisting I move out. I'll be signing up for the Divorce Busting telephone coaching. It's not cheap, and I'm just thinking - should I sign up for the package of 3 or 6 or 10? At first, I had it in my mind that my husband would be joining me in these phone sessions. Then it occurred to me that he wouldn't be required to, and it might actually do more harm than good if he did.

Since I'll be signing up for the telephone coaching, I thought I'd finally register for this forum. I've read both Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Wife. Needless to say, there's so much more to the story. But this is a start.

1hl, sorry you find yourself in this situation. It has obviously not been easy, and I am sure it has really hurt your self-esteem. However, I would like to point out that this is probably less about you than you think it is. When we are in a SSM we have a tendency to internalize it. I know I did. Was I not desirable? Was I not good at it? Etc. But the truth is that your H, (and at the time my W) were going through things that neither of us could relate to or understand.

I have a feeling the ED played a big role in all of this. Especially considering the low sperm count and other numbers. If ED, and low sperm etc were at play here then he probably had a low T, and that was also affecting his desire. Plus, not being able to perform is very embarrassing for a man so he has shied away from sex with you to prevent his feelings of inadequacy. Even with the treatments to improve things, more than likely he will need to get into IC in order to overcome the psychological effects of his past issues. Now, please do not suggest that to him right now, because......

...right now the best thing you can do is to avoid all pressure and pursuit. He is probably walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and feeling pretty poorly about himself. So give him time and space. You read DB, great, now get DR and read that!

So what can you do? First, go GAL. This thing has been like an anchor around both of your necks. I see you are terrified of 50/50 custody. Most LBSs with children are. But GAL will show you that there is more to life than being your H's sex-starved W, and your child's mother. That you still have a lot of life to live and that you can still go out and enjoy life! (Just avoid other men at this point because you are very vulnerable, whether you want to admit it or not, to being open to having an A.) I'd also be a leader by example and get into IC yourself! 180s and self-improvements over time are the best way to turn your situation around. It doesn't happen overnight (you can't fix in a day what took years to get into), but if you improve and be consistent at it, then it can have a tremendous impact over time.

Finally, detach your emotions and especially your emotional reactions from his words and deeds. It is not easy, but work at it. Concentrate on not outwardly reacting first and overtime your internal emotions will remain even too. Things like stewing on the rejection and then coming home and starting a fight. Obviously that did nothing to improve things!

Also, for now, drop the 2nd baby thing. Seriously, do you really want to bring another child into this marriage? And then risk 50/50 custody with another child? It is illogical with everything going on in your MR to be entertaining a second baby. I know women feel the clock ticking and that causes them to throw logic, reason and caution to the wind. But that is just one more added piece of pressure you are putting on yourself, and him, and is easily lifted. This does not require a conversation with him. It simply means to stop worrying about it. And stop making it a goal.

Eventually we'll talk about other things you can do. Like eventually moving back into the MBR. But I think right now that would just be added pressure to him. So for now concentrate on dropping the desire for a 2nd baby, GAL, 180s and emotional detachment.