Divorce Finalized

[SteveLW]

I started to use DB/DR techniques, and she was headed to the door as fast as she could.

Welcome mather, sorry you are going through this. First, on this quote, are you trying to say that DB/DR techniques hastened her wanting to leave? It is worded in such a way that implies that, but I want to make sure that I am not just inferring something you didn't mean.

Also, going and filing for her is NOT a DB/DR technique. You say you started to use them, and then the next paragraph you talk about going and drawing up the paperwork. We are very clear on this forum that you should never use filing as a "technique". All that does is result in your being D'd, usually before you wanted to be. And we also recommend never doing the WAS's dirty work for them. If she wanted a D then it was on her to go file. All of this is hindsight but I bring it up to point out that it wasn't DBing, and that if there are any readers in a similar situation they should not make the same mistake.

I like that you blocked her on calls and texts. I agree that having the WAS reach out every 4 days or so is difficult. However, what makes it even worse is if you are compelled to respond. So many LBSs feel that when the WAS reaches out they HAVE to respond. This is wrong. We have a saying around here for that and it is the illusion of action. The illusion that you must DO something. When really NOTHING is the right approach.

For no contact, the rules of engagement are easy. Avoid all direct contact (do not answer phone calls, etc). If she reaches out via text (text message, email, etc), do not respond if it is an informational message. If it is a direct question, take your time answering (do not answer right away) and then answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. Note, when exchanging messages with her drop all formalities. No "Thanks for reaching out." or "Good to hear from you." No salutations or closing statements. STICK TO BUSINESS.

Also, I see you mentioned starting DB techniques, but I see no mention of GAL. You elude to 180s (self-improvements) but I do not see any specific examples. And certainly you have not worked on detachment at all. So what DB/DR techniques did you start using?

Also, I sense a strong case of Nice Guy Syndrome in you. When you had the papers drawn up did you do it because you wanted a D, or did you do it because she wanted a D and you thought it would be a "nice" thing to do. NGS manifests in several ways. Putting others needs above your own. Expecting that being nice will result in you getting what you want. Covert contracts, ie "if I do this, then maybe she will do that!" Etc.

As far as the dates before D and the one after. Wow. Not sure why anyone (you, her, your C) thought any of those were a good idea. WAS love to keep their LBS hanging on. Just in case they change their mind again. Just in case Mr Right #2 doesn't come along. "Well, I always have mather I could go back to." As long as you are her Plan B you have no hope of ever being more than her friend. If you want her as a BFF then those were a good idea. Otherwise, it was a terrible idea. I am not sure what else your C is suggesting, but remember, do not settle for a C that isn't working for you. Nothing wrong with shopping around in order to find a C that is good at what they do.

Subsequently things improved and then early fall started to go south. She left the house, requested counseling and I was 100% on board with it. ( as I have thought about it I believe she requested it, because she thought I would say no and would be her justification) I gave it my all, and the counselor seems to think she was already checked out. She went to a few sessions, and then stopped.

This is very very common. Most WAS that agree to MC do so to "check it off the list". So later they can say "we tried everything, even MC!" Obviously, you didn't realize this when you agreed. But this is why most anti-D experts in situations like this will say to respond with "At this point I feel MC would be a waste of time. However, I have a lot ot work through so I am going to start IC for myself." This does two things. First, it lets the WAS know that without them being committed to the MR then MC is off the table. And secondly that you are serious about trying to improve yourself.

So mather, right now NC is the right approach, but you need to also be doubling down on DBing. GAL like crazy. Keep IC going and continue to 180 on bad behavior/habits. And work on detaching from her emotionally. R2C likes to say "always be DBing!"

You have a bright future ahead. And you have real life experience now that you can use to make sure your next MR is your forever MR! Either with her (not likely) or someone new (very likely).