Hello, I've been a regular lurker here since 2016 but only registered for this forum yesterday.
My husband and I are approaching 2 years of no sex as he has no desire for me. He will kiss me hello and goodbye in greeting, hold hands and hug and stuff like that, but he has no desire to have sex with me. We are also approaching 1 year of separate bedrooms. He has the master bedroom, and I sleep with my 3-year-old. Since 2018, my husband and I have had sex 3 times - once at the end of 2018, and twice in the first half of 2019. I am losing my mind over the absence of sex and intimacy. You could say I've already lost my mind.
Last Saturday morning, my toddler was still asleep, and I went into the master bedroom. My husband was in bed watching YouTube videos about tiny houses. He invited me into the bed with him in a friendly manner. I got in the bed and eventually tried to initiate sex by kissing him in a sexual way, and he recoiled. Then he was looking up something on his phone. At first, I tried to play it off casually like it was no big deal. I went out to run an errand and get takeout, and in that time, I was stewing over being rejected. When I got back, he noticed I was upset and asked me why.
That led to a fight where eventually he was talking about divorce and using terms like "co-parenting" and "50/50 custody." That was alarming because he's not really the kind of guy whose vernacular would include such jargon unless he has been researching or talking to someone about it. He said I would have to get a job and my own apartment. I'm a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and we have one child.
We've been married almost 7 years, and the first time he mentioned divorce was a few months after our wedding. That devastated me, the sheer mention of the word, and I think it had a way of setting the tone for the rest of our marriage. It's just one of those words that, once they're said, can't be unsaid. Yet we're still married.
I can't fathom being apart from my child to the extent that my husband is proposing. Although I have nothing against divorce per se, as something other people pursue, I am completely averse to it as an option for myself. I want to live with my child full-time, and I want my husband to live with us full-time.
I'm 43, and my husband is 52. We were 36 and 46 when we married. I was 40 when I had our child. When we were having sex (before our child came along), it was already infrequent, and there were ED issues. He started seeing endocrinologists, but they didn't have any definitive explanations at that point. When I got pregnant, it was a big surprise. We were not particularly trying to conceive, but we weren't trying to prevent it, and time kept passing without getting pregnant, so it was a surprise when it happened, and we were overjoyed when it did. He may have been taking Cialis or something like that, but he wasn't undergoing any hormone treatment.
Part of my anguish over the sexless state of my marriage, aside from the fact that I like sex and would like to experience it, is that I desperately want another child, and the window of that being possible for me is passing if it hasn't already. Yes, I know this is not an ideal situation for a child. But I'm just throwing it out there that, besides being condemned to celibacy in my marriage, there's an element of grief for me over not having another child.
At the beginning of this year, my husband was still talking about wanting another child, though we were approaching a year of no sex. He has not brought it up since then. I brought it up in the fight we had last weekend that I am grieving over the fact that another child may not be possible, and he said nothing in response.
In the last couple years, testing revealed my husband's sperm count and other numbers to be rather low. Because the usual testosterone treatments have a tendency to cause infertility indefinitely, my husband was prescribed Clomid. Now his numbers are normal, and he is still taking Clomid as far as I know. But he still has no desire for me.
Since the fight last weekend, we've just been trying to be friendly, and we have been. It's not like he's insisting I move out. I'll be signing up for the Divorce Busting telephone coaching. It's not cheap, and I'm just thinking - should I sign up for the package of 3 or 6 or 10? At first, I had it in my mind that my husband would be joining me in these phone sessions. Then it occurred to me that he wouldn't be required to, and it might actually do more harm than good if he did.
Since I'll be signing up for the telephone coaching, I thought I'd finally register for this forum. I've read both Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Wife. Needless to say, there's so much more to the story. But this is a start.
