Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

hi all, @Sandi, thanks as always for following up with me!

I think you just need to be honest when writing your posts to us, instead of saying the words you think we want to hear. I decided that's why you write many things that sound contradictory, b/c you would practically copy the words we would say, but it wasn't how you felt.

I can certainly understand what led you to think that way. I never meant to hide any behavior or contradict myself. I honestly think I could not conceive what it means NC, letting her go, ACCEPTING this... So if I sent her a single message saying "Have a good day at work" I would tell myself "just one message, but overall I am NC" or when I had the kids and there is an event I would think "we should do this as a family, for the kids" but my brain was probably thinking family time= progress towards R. I don't know if I am explaining myself, I have been a mess for a long time, devalued myself and I was not able to LISTEN to the things you were so many times writing.

I still feel my goal is to R and what I need to do is remove myself from her life, however I can also have a better understanding of what I want in a relationship and how I cannot force W to come back. I love her, or al least the woman I married and who gave birth to our 2 children, it was a big mistake to take my M for granted, but really meant to show her my love by giving our kids and family the best I could.

I honestly don't know what to suggest that might help you accept the M is over. Did you ever determine if she is seeing another man? Wasn't there something about an OM? I remember you were very upset, but I don't think you followed up with us about that subject.

A friend told me W had been talking to OM earlier on our separation and then they made out one night, then OM was scared by W having kids. I never confirmed it, as you all know W never talked to me about this, all she said is she is free to see anyone she wants. I cannot express the pain I have been through and now I read my comments out of control and 1. I do understand what you all told me about me digging myself into a hole and 2. never want to go back there again. I think she is not seeing anyone, she keeps spending a lot of time with her cousin (support circle) and family and I see no signs on her, I don't care about this so much, after all the damage she has done to our M and family... all I have to do is get ready for the day there is OM and avoid jealousy by remembering my own value.

I suppose when you've had enough of it, maybe you will be able to forgive yourself and move on with life. I still question that this is b/c of your great love for your W. As horrible as she's been to you, it doesn't make sense why you would still pursue her, especially since you've seen no positive results from pursuit. I'm not saying you don't love her, but I think your struggles are due to something else deep inside of you. It prevents you turning lose and moving on with another life. You speak more about the sorrow of losing the "family", and how it affects your children, which is understandable. I wonder if you are really pursuing that dream of having the family back together, rather than wanting her b/c you love her so much. IDK, I'm just talking.

There is a big difference between the person I married (or thought I was marrying) and the woman she is now. You have asked me many times if I love this new her, I don't, I think she is destroying both our worlds but maybe the new one I can build is even better for me and my children, I don't know anymore. The advice I was given earlier about not doing anything has really sunk in, I am trying to find me as a man again and just letting things be as they are now (big effort against my controlling nature and in search of loving detachment.).

If your IC is helping, then stick with her, but if you feel you have to explain your POV, or get her to be pro marriage.......maybe you need to change counselors. Only you know if it benefits you. Is she helping you as much as the board, or helping you more? I really hope she helps you to stop pursuing your W. After all this time, it is hard for me to understand why you persist in doing what doesn't work. You are one of the more stubborn men to accept those old ways do not work on a hard hearted woman. Don't chase people who don't want to be with you.

Maybe I have sounded pro divorce at times, but if so it is b/c I try to make you think outside your own box.

Hope you will continue giving us updates. ((hugs))

My IC is definitely helping me, but she keeps talking about how I need to set W aside and how she cannot offer me more insights on her because W is not in therapy or trying to make the marriage work, instead she has chosen S or possibly D, so she has to focus on me and my healing. Just on today's session IC insisted that I have a problem accepting the death of my M and W's decision even if I am better and how I cannot blame W for all the changes in my live or how much I miss Munich, the education I had achieved for our children, and my office and colleagues there. I am working so hard on that acceptance, it just tears me appart to think about the coldness W treats me and handles our interactions.

I have been thinking a lot about my own value as a man, my principles, core values and the changes I am focused on right now. Despite that thought about my changes not being there as I cannot fix my M, I am still focused on the exercises from the multi-orgasmic man and the inner changes on my desire to control W and the outcome of the situation as well as all the guilt and responsibility I feel right now. @Sandi, please keep giving me advice on how to best deal my cold-hearted W, I truly appreciate it.

My BD was a great success! The paella was awesome, I bought enough food and drinks for my apparently starving to death friends, the kids had great fun playing mario kart with them and my sister was there to help me at the end of the day with the kids while I cleaned up. Everyone complemented me on how nicely I have set up my home and they loved what I call my car sanctuary (that shelf unit I bought and filled up with 1:18 models of le mans winning racing cars), something W never approved of me having in the living room. It was a good day!

One last thought, all the changes and new lifestyle my W has implemented (the tattoos, drinking again, whitening her teeth, the new clothing style...) I cant help but feel she was not doing it before because of me, it kinds of makes me feel like I was forcing her to be a mom within a family unit when maybe it is not what she deeply wanted. IDK, I know this is an unhealthy thought but I cant help having it, I just wanted to share it with you.

The other day I smashed my 10k PR again and I have new earbuds for my running sessions that sound amazing! I have used black friday to get S6 some BD presents he will love and some new clothes for myself I have started thinking about my future, here, in between Seville and Madrid - London - Munich, who knows. I want to eat up the world again, as I did when I was 19, only now I know I have to struck a balance with remaining the best father I can be. I am better, I am sorry it took me so long to understand so many things, about love, about WAWs, about respect, about what is expected from a man and about my role in this separation. I am nowhere near where I want to be but I will get there, so many things I can and will improve!

Thank you all! I feel like a new man, or at least a changed man! please keep posting!
((hugs)) Packs