ExH complained about my housekeeping like it was his 2nd job. Now ask if he did a d@mn thing to help me. Part of the reason I knew H was the one was my housekeeping simply isn't on his radar. Even in the worst of it. Never a complaint. Never bemoaning me. Someone else who got on me about my cleaning skills was my step-father. I don't keep an immaculate house because to be completely honest cleaning triggers me. My step-father was a white glove test kind of guy. I had my face shoved against a toilet bowl because he couldn't eat off of it. I spent many, many years working on cleaning a) not triggering me b)not accepting someone bemoaning my housekeeping as a personal attack c)not valuing myself based on my ability to juggle being a mom, a partner, a full time employed adult, and a human being with keeping a super clean house. Take it from me. Don't let that ghost haunt you. He isn't worth living rent free in your head.
Also I'm with May the amount of communication you have with Mr. Crazy Pants is clearly detrimental to you. I wasn't friends with exH or H until they could be a friend to me. So what I have to say next I don't say to lay more at your feet, but I remember how much you once were home alone with those kiddos while you were married and H was traveling. I know he came home and you had some relief. Can you sit and recall those days? Can you think about what would make your life easier during those times. How you got through all that time alone with even younger children you have now? I'm not demanding you take on the burden of 4 children with no back up, but I just want you to know you are dealing with an unstable co-parent and over the next few years if not more you are going to be on this road alone more often than not. He will be unreliable. He won't be there you when you need him. He won't be there when the kids need him. Sometimes he will. Sometimes he'll be exactly who you need him to be, but that isn't going to be a guarantee. I think it would be good to dig deep and start thinking about how you're going to manage this completely on your own. Who will be reliable. Who will support you when you need it. What is Sage's life going to look like with out H in it?
You shouldn't have to do this alone. You don't deserve this. You should be supported. You should have time to breathe. But that just might not be you're reality here and you should probably start thinking about what your new normal is going to look like.
And like May said. Over all be kind to yourself. Radical self love. xoxoxo
