It has been mainly a good week - the kids are very happy and the atmosphere in the house is good. We've not done much together as a couple or a family other than dog walks or film nights - but that's because of lockdown and I think just getting through these dark and rainy days is enough right now. We're still slowly getting the house ready - some DIY and painting and similar - and all that is going well too.
There was a difficult moment early last week - we were in bed, H had tried to initiate but it really was not going well - I don't think either of us were remotely into it, and I felt (this might be mind reading) that he was just doing his duty, and I find his utter lack of desire a real turn-off, so I wasn't really responsive either. He kind of turned away from me and turned the light out and I said, 'can you just hold me and say that you love me?' - there was this very very long silence, and in the end he came out with an extremely personal, nasty thing related to sex that just took my breath away. It really really hurt. I know he felt inadequate and anxious and he was on the defensive, lashing out because he felt criticised, all the usual stuff, but it was really horrible. He hasn't hurt me like that in a long time. I told him that it hurt, that it was unacceptable, and that was no way to treat someone you loved, and if he didn't love me he had no business getting physical with me. And I went to sleep.
The next day he was extremely apologetic, which is new: he will apologise now and again, grudgingly (he actually apologised to Eldest for being sharp with him the other day - which is UNHEARD OF) but it's never really heart felt. I could actually tell the next day that he did feel pretty terrible. He said he felt anxious, criticised, never good enough in bed, etc etc. I said I could empathise with that, and I wanted to do my part in sorting this out - whatever that took - but him lashing out was hurting our marriage and making it even more difficult for me to feel trusting in him. I really really hate his nasty streak, and it's been a while since I've seen it and that unpleasant reminder that it is there was pretty sad for me this week. But he's been affectionate and kind and patient since then, and not made any excuses, and that helps a bit.
