[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Oh my, I totally missed your post. Sorry.

As I understand it correctly you don’t have any contact anymore with your XW, nor the children?
I can’t imagine what this must do to you, and to them…

XW severed ties with me; pretty harshly and firmly. As if a MLCer would do different. A person in an emotional crisis is struggling deeply with all kinds of demons. One particular is depression. Deep and dark. They usually speak in negatives and absolutes.

XW’s running included running from her children as well. He big surprise speech at Thanksgiving supper included “I’m leaving. DnJ, you get the house, the contents, and the children. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.” My memories of the next few hours and days is a bit hazy and mixed up. I, and everyone seated around the table, were in a state of shock. From eye witness accounts, and there were seven (nine total including me and XW), I immediately turned white as a sheet. My blood pressure probably dropped like a stone, which starved my brain for oxygen. I have recollection of XW and I talking in the living room, but with background and items that don’t exist in my house. Some cannot exist in my house they’re too big.

My mind was flaying away, trying to rationalize what just happened. I mean the “impossible” just occurred. I consider very few things impossible, I see the possibilities everywhere. Always have. I believed it was impossible for XW to do what she did. I had absolute faith in her. So this was a fundamental break for me.

I’ve got these weird little memories tied to those strange conversations with a woman who, to my at the time viewpoint, suddenly changed and became a completely different person. One such memory, while I am sitting on the couch with XW sitting four feet away from me on the foot stool, listening to her willingness to throw her kids away for a chance to finally be happy, there is beside me, in front of the TV, a huge green intake duct with a fan spinning within it. There are wear marks where the fan blade has rubbed against the shroud, scrapping the green paint down to the shinny silver metal.

Another is while discussing and pleading for marriage counselling, I looked at the wall behind me to the left. On this wall were three pictures, silhouettes of the kids in pairs, the two oldest and the two youngest, and W and I. (I’ve since removed the picture of her and I). Anyhow, that night there is, was, an award, a plaque hanging on the wall instead of the pictures. Lol

I know these memory, and I would say, are not real. But that’s the funny thing, they are real. They are real memories. So that begs what is reality? Of course, I realize this. And for me reality has always been something affirmed with feedback. I could imagine and pretend I am a millionaire, even believe it. But feedback from the bank and the bills would snap me back to “reality” pretty quick. Haha. And for these memories, the memory is valid, it’s even true, and real; just cannot be affirmed and therefore an illusion from a stunned shocked oxygen starved mind struggling to grasp what the h3ll just happened.

With this in mind it is easy to see how someone in a crisis could fall down the rabbit hole and believe their new “reality”. And with running from such pain, they would ignore and fight against non-affirming feedback. MLCer’s will expend tremendous energies maintaining their fantasy realities. They must. They absolutely have too. For they are so consumed and in crisis that rational feedback cannot register. They are emotional and driving by their irrational internal forces. Coping skills are not well developed in these troubled emotional immature souls.

Kind of got off topic didn’t I?

My kids and I are very close. We visit and talk quite a bit.

XW and the kids seldom see each other or converse. And XW doesn’t speak to me. I was thrown away, and divorced in two months after BD. Her and I have spoken at the graduation of my youngest son and the graduation of my daughter. There hasn’t been a text or call from her for almost three years now.

My kids are doing great. XW/Mom is a stranger to them. That is completely accurate. Mom turned into XW; the opposite of who she was. She is a stranger to all of us. She doesn’t share much about her life. Shows little interest or understanding in the kids’ lives. They are all university students and she is stuck in a few personalities.

Her usual personality is from around when she was 18. I recognize and remember her mannerisms and behaviours from back then. They are just more brash and bold. Rub it in your face kind of thing.

When XW gets agitated, pushed, or otherwise held emotionally accountable she regressed to a girl of about 13. And with further pressure she becomes a young girl of seven. OMG. It is incredible to witness such a thing. To be speaking to someone and they “shift” mid-sentence.

These shifts have been witnessed by my best friend and my children. One such time, within weeks of her BD, her and I were negotiating at the kitchen table. The 18 year old brash bold brat was smugly exercising her (believed) superior status and position in life. I challenged her on her view of never loving me. And she started to deny and mid-sentence became herself. The women, W. Her eyes sparkled, her face immediately became flush with colour, and her tone of speech changed. Me and BF were stunned at such a thing. She spoke about how we do love each other. Started another sentence, and morphed back to that brat. Her eyes turned gray, skin darkened, and she picked up right where she left off on that same sentence 30 seconds before. Very spooky, at the time, not so much now.

I and S22 have spoken to the 7 year old. Oh my, that is a weird thing. She looks like my wife, sounds like her (more or less), but she is seven! This girl can’t do math. Converses like a seven year old. Uses language like a small child. It was so sad to see such a broken mind. This particular personality only has been seen a few times, and not in years now. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s not. I don’t know.

In ways I have been extremely lucky, and not just financially. My parents and my children all were witness to her surprise BD and her moving in with OM three hours later. Man, what a night that was! If they hadn’t seen this, they would never have believed it. This is so out there.

My kids have seen their Mom’s troubled soul. The woman before them is not their Mom. It’s her body, but an alien lives inside, with Mom possible trapped.

We all have compassion for her. And indifference. We have forgiven her. My children following my lead and example. Asking questions and getting clear honest answers from me.

It was incredible painful and difficult. I hurt terribly. So much was compressed into such a short timeframe. I would not wish this upon anyone. However, I have been extremely lucky and blessed. It has been an incredible opportunity, one few people (thankfully) ever experience. One plays the hand they’re dealt.


Your H, from your accounts, is exiting the tunnel. He pendulums back and forth, as one would suspect he would. He has plenty to face, and not just his recent behaviours of the past few years, the original pain and torment of his youth must also be faced, reconciled, and accepted within.

You see this happening. You see H, the man, and then you see him disappear again. Perfectly fine. Don’t fret and don’t push. H needs to feel safe. He is very much still in crisis and rather frail emotionally. He is at times outside his tunnel. A tunnel which hid him, confused him, kept him in the dark from his own past and the consequences of his actions, and really importantly protected him from admonishment and retribution. Tunnel walls protect as well as trap.

H needs to have a safe place to land. Let him lead the pace. His eye are adjusting to the bright light outside the tunnel. Let that light be you.

Don’t worry when he scamper back in. Such a light is hard to look at when you’ve been in the dark for so long. Have faith and continue moving forward. Peaceful, gentle, compassionate, and forgiving. The scared squirrel is looking about; no sudden movements my friend.

I think you know this already. I’m just encouraging and reinforcing your example. Things will move slow and you may wonder and want to push it along. Dig deep for patience. Really be patient. H’s path is about him, and must happen at his pace.

The last week’s many flips between H and 16 year old H are a good sign. When they start going into the tunnel, way before BD, they are being driven by forces they cannot understand. Torments from their past, buried a long time ago, are surfacing and demand recognition. This internal pressure drags them back to that time, and then lets go. Back and forth this tug of war happens. The person doesn’t understand and compartmentalizes it. Remember they have poor coping skills and are emotional stunted and will not seek help. For if they could, they would not be in a crisis.

Bomb drop happens well after this has started. Many many months of compartmental living has occurred by that point. They have suffered silently and hidden from the world. They blame us for not recognizing what they are going through. And blame us as the cause of what they are going through.

Bomb drop, is when everything reached such a level that it explodes within them. They destroy their life trying to run from all the wrong and pain they feel. We seldom see the preceding events to BD as they happen. Looking back we usually can see some signs.

Exiting the tunnel is the opposite of those events that lead to BD. The MLCer is experiencing two (or more) lives again. They are timid, ashamed, scared, fearful, guilty, feel regret and remorse, confused, and so on. One can see how any extra pressure will put them over edge and thrown them back into the darkness of their tunnel.

Keep conversations non-judgemental and non-threatening. The MLCer hates themselves. As they peek out they are seeing the damage they caused, and the hurt and suffering from their hand. They do not need further punishment, for they are punishing themselves enough. They will feel like a monster. They need compassion, forgiveness, and a beacon back to reality.

That is not to say they get away scott-free. No, there is penance and things to atone for. Question to be answered, and discussions to be had. However those must be put on hold until the MLCer is well beyond the tunnel’s exit.

Yes, like everything else along the LBS’ path, this is unfair. We need to be the bigger person and do more of the heavy lifting - still. In time H will be more and more comfortable and able to discuss with you. Dig for patience.

Let H lead the conversations. For the most part talk about topics he brings up and when he brings them up. Of course you can further a discussion and ask direct questions as well. Remember your goal in all this, and that the time line is beyond your control. If H pulls back, that’s fine, drop the subject. It is him following you, not you pushing him.

He was affectionate again for the first time in a long time, is this a certain fear he has of losing me? I don't know.

He was very physical at times, and we have ML a few times again. Is this good? Probably not, but I didn't feel like I wanted to stop this as it felt really good to me. I am 100% sure that there has not been OW in the picture for 10 months now.

It is quite possible and probably that H has felt and feels like what it is to lose you. That is a very good thing.

You being sure OW is out of the picture is also a very good thing.

ML, is also a good thing. Really, it is. However, do not assign more emotional meaning to it for H than it is. What I mean is keep your expectations really low. I’m sure H enjoyed it as well. That is a good thing. It a binding thing. A healing thing. Safe, comfortable.

H will have emotions well up inside. All kinds of feelings; those previously mentioned bad ones and some good one as well. It is going to take time for him to sort through them and to acknowledge and show them. He will, and does, feel towards you. It comes out in fits and spurts right now; it takes months for the MLCer to settle and feel comfortable within their own skin.

During this time, yes ML. There is no OW. Date, conserve, frolic, cry, hug, and so on. It is a strange path, much like the one you’ve been walking already. It will have twists and turns, backslides, and emotions. You are standing and know your headings, follow them, believe them.

There is one detail I would really like to share with you that he specifically said as I would like to ask if this can mean anything. I do know that in principle I can only believe half of what they say, so can you please share your thoughts?

He told me that for a long time he thought he wanted a divorce (never before has he used this word during the entire crisis but apparently was in his head for a long time?) and that he has therefore accepted the job abroad to make a lot of money as he knows he has to pay a lot to me. Then he said his feelings are shifting slowly the last 2 months and that he no longer wants this. He wants to feel again and love me like he used to, he really wants to work on this. I then asked him if this meant that he might want to gradually rebuild thr relationship, his anwser was that he didn't know but wanted to try. I have not gone into it further.

My thoughts:

Acknowledge and validate H’s feeling and the change over the last two months. Tell him you appreciate him sharing his feelings with you. Accept his feelings as his actions do seem to match up.

However, accuracy. H’s feelings are not slowly shifting, IMHO. It is better than that. H’s beliefs are shifting. Feeling change quickly. Beliefs are slowly to change - like over two months. That is very encouraging.

Reinforce his good beliefs, feelings, and behaviours. Ignore the poor ones, for he will test you as well to ensure you are authentic. He will do this mostly unintentionally and unrecognized by himself. He needs you to be stable through this; which you are.

Do not attempt to explain that his beliefs are what are changing, you definitely do not want an argument. It is fine to say feelings. You know different and deeper than he does at the moment. This realization is for you. His realization will come differently.

To further encourage, H no longer wants a divorce. He doesn’t know for sure but he wants to try to rebuild. That would be the expected way back from someone who has done what he has done. Scared squirrel. Scared and opening up. Very nice to see.

I do agree H is outwardly showing movement. For a long time all movement of the MLCer is internal and hidden from the LBS. This gives the impression that they are stuck. Now, some do get stuck, and some are moving unseen. It looks like H was one of the latter.

My suggestion, beyond all that I posted , keep doing what you’re doing. ML, go on that vacation, have family time, rebuilt and reinforce good times, lead by example. Have healthy boundaries when needed and forgive. Don’t sweat the small stuff, in five years, things that are huge right now will not even matter, keep it in perspective.

You are doing really well. Remain patient.

D