Still Learning...

[may22]

(((sage)))

I am still haunted by H's list of things he doesn't like about me and on that list was that I am messy. I am triggered by it and am working myself to the bone to maintain a tidy house in the midst of this chaos and 24/7 in-home, just to prove to myself that I am not in fact a messy person.

But whom am I doing it for? The ghost of H? Kind of makes me want to cry.

Oh Sage. You know my H also said the same thing to me and it really does BURN. And I don't really know why... there are so many other things he said or could say that just would roll right off but this one triggers.

Can you parse out why it matters to you? And let it go?

In my sitch I have bobbled between working my @ss off to have the house spotless because F him, and then letting it go to total sh!t because also F him. (Not detached.) And right now it is a nightmare because we also decided, you know, to add some renovation to the stress of everything else and there is just cr@p EVERYWHERE.

For me, getting some handle on the clutter also helps to calm my mind, and so there are some things I've done to manage it somewhat without making myself nuts, now that I'm back to doing what I can manage and no more, knowing that H is fully capable of pulling his own weight in this department. If it helps:

-- I got a roomba which I LOVE (emptying it out is the most satisfying part of my day). When I first got it I would let it drive all around and put my feet up and drink a glass of wine and giggle to myself that I was vacuuming. Silly, I know, but hey. It made me feel good. Also, H never wanted a Roomba. So the having of it is totally for ME.

-- I got baskets and put them in each room and dump all the cr@p my kids and H leave around the house into the basket. My H also does not like this solution as he thinks things should go back where they belong, but I like it because it is very easy and fast and removes the clutter from my line of sight, therefore is calming to me. Every once in awhile I make the kids sort through the baskets and return things where they go.

-- Is there a space that is just yours that you can keep clean and calming, like maybe the MBR? And places you can simply close the door and stop worrying about for now, like the kids BRs?

I don't know if any of this is helpful at all-- just wanted to share what has been helping me in a similar spot.

And onto the phone call and the potential COVID exposure... first, HUGS. That is awful and terrifying and I know you are probably really stressing out about it. It absolutely svcks that you can't express this to the father of your children without him doing this. And yes, probably he feels scared and guilty and that he should be there and he can't and whatever whatever whatever... but that is his problem, not yours.

Gently... maybe it is time to stop the in-person and phone conversations for a bit and move to text and email. If he is unable to control himself without being cruel to you, there is no need to continue the conversation. Maybe interrupting him to say this conversation isn't going anywhere and we can continue it another time, and hang up? OR set the phone down and let him jabber to empty air for awhile until you feel better and can pick it back up? I know I have signed up to eat the $hit sandwiches in my sitch for now, but you don't have to. His problems are not yours to manage anymore. Remember how inspiring Alison is in not letting her H spew at her anymore? You can do that too. He has no right to treat you that way and YOU DO NOT NEED TO LISTEN TO IT.

In the moment, if you aren't able to end the conversation and feel you need to listen, here is another strategy I used when H was telling me crazy stuff and I was trying to paste a pleasant expression on my face and listen-- in my head, I would just say over and over, @sshole, @sshole, @sshole. Like a chant. Until he stopped talking. I also made up little songs that I still play in my head sometimes. I'm sure that isn't the healthiest or most evolved coping mechanism, but it allowed me to stop paying attention to the words he was saying and realize how ridiculous he was being, and that none of it was really about me.

I know you have a strong network IRL and I really hope you are pulling on it right now. (For some reason I think you live in Seattle or thereabouts.. no need to respond but that is where I grew up... but wishing right now that I could call you on the phone and listen or give you whatever support you need.) I also know you mentioned you're having a hard time being able to exercise and another little thing I started doing a year or more ago which has been a lifesaver is the 7 minute NYT exercises every morning. There's an app (the one I use is called seven) and it is just seven minutes but really, really helped me feel strong and more in shape. The kids fight over who sits on my feet for the crunches portion and we made up silly names for some of the exercises (which make us all laugh so not really super effective on the exercise part when the kids are there, but it is fun). Maybe your kids will want to do it with you too. Or, you can do it on your own while they watch Disney Plus. Just wondering if there are ways you can incorporate little self-care routines into your day to day without needing to rely on your H to kick in.

When you feel depleted, you need to prioritize filling your own tank. Be kind to yourself. HUGS.