Steve_'s LRT phase 2

[sandi2]

You don’t understand it but she has done /said multiple things to leave the door open for herself and has lined up the replacement man. All I am trying to do is shut that door so that I can actually start DBing.

I understand completely, b/c that what WW's do.........leave the door open for themselves. That's why they throw just enough crumbs at the LBH to mess with his head.

It sounds to me as if you are wanting her to make a decision for you. An ultimatum was not needed in order for you to let go and move on. I'm not sure what you mean by trying to shut the door so that you start DBing. You said, " if you don’t make up your mind by then I’m walking away and never looking back” [/i] Will you? It sounds pretty final. How does a man walk away and never look back, when he can't detach? I get the impression you believe it would force you into detaching.

She will chose him I know it. But at least after that she has to fess up to it and I can begin to DB instead of sit in perpetual limbo.

No she doesn't. Let me tell you the results I've seen on the board in times past, when the LBH would give his WW an ultimatum to choose by certain date & time. If she even contacts the LBH, she waits until the eleventh hour, and then gives the same old song & dance of not being sure, doesn't know what to do, yada, yada.

I think you've set yourself up for more games. YOU need to be the one who has enough self respect to call the shots about this relationship. The very fact you are still giving her an opportunity to make a choice.......is just pathetic. Do you seriously think she is worried that you would walk away and never look back at her?

The only thing that draws a WW's attraction to her H, is to see him no longer put up with her b.s. and manipulation. To see him let go of her and enjoy life without her being any part of it. It's when she realizes she's really lost him.

Even if she says she chooses you, how could you trust her? I think I read where you had been through this about five times? She's a serial cheater. How many more times are you willing to suffer this experience? You are already suffering from the thought of her choosing the OM over you. Do you see it as a big win, if you can just get her back home?

Ultimatums are not boundaries, and I've not personally seen ultimatums succeed in getting the LBH what he truly wants from his WW. For one thing, the LBH would have to be strong enough to stick to what he said, should she not choose him. I'm concerned how you think it frees you to DB, should she not choose you over OM. Why couldn't you make your own decision and shut the door, based on your personal values, boundaries, etc.?

I had to realize I’m not strong enough to hold myself accountable to detach without her making a choice and not playing me.

Okay, but hear me out. She is going to play you! This ultimatum is nothing but a game to her. You've given her all the power to decide for you. She will toy with your feelings and your life, without commitment or the necessary work a WW has to accomplish in order to CHANGE.

I have to stand up to her at some point and draw my line and stop playing the “I’m not so sure game” that’s all I’m doing here.

And how do you do that ^^^^^^^^? You haven't drawn a line in the sand! You gave her power to decide for the both of you!

Then she can never say it’s on me.

Sure she can! This means nothing to her! A WW doesn't need permission to blame her H. She will lie and say it's on you, anytime she wants. If she has no integrity, honor or loyalty.......she's not going to hesitate to put everything on you, whenever it suits her. She's going to justify herself, and your sentiments above will have no baring on her. You are giving her too much credit for even caring.

That is all I want. To be free from the games.

Good luck! ((hugs))