Thank you for the notes and advice. It has gotten me through the week. Some specific tidbits that had a particular impact on me:
Originally Posted by DnJ
The way to deal with this daily issue is to kind of not deal with it. Let it go. Just validate and keep moving forward. Your demonstrated good life is a beacon to him. Keep living it. If your life is a bit mysterious, good.
Thanks DnJ, this was perfect advice for me in that moment. It hasn't come up in the past few days so I am hoping that the validation and continued detachment is working in this department.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
A few extra hours a week as a compromise to help lift the burden when being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition because you want to run and take a long shower alone and in the quiet seems like you're taking on more. Not less.
This is true. I feel like a lot of energy goes into the balance of 'getting my needs met vs dealing with H's needs'. For a long time I allowed his needs to trump mine and it led us here. I need reminders like this to help me project the outcome and make sure the net net bottom line actually serves in my favor.
Originally Posted by may22
In terms of not contributing to the cycle of insecurities that may ultimately harm your co-parenting R, my worry is that this is a never-ending hole for both of you. You will never be able to have enough transparency to convince him, even if you wanted to, and he'll continue to think up ways that you might be "betraying" him because this is stemming from someplace inside him, not from you.
And beyond just the 'betrayal' issue, this applies to all of H's current narratives. They're his not mine and I need to decide how much I am willing to invest in his insecurities. (Back to WF's nudge which got me thinking about return on investment).
Originally Posted by wooba
And I would add, be careful of the "I'm flatter that he cares" narrative. My guess is that it's not YOU that he cares, it is his ego. That is not a sign of love, it is sign of control, insecurity, maybe even guilt.
Wooba, thanks for the tough but true reminder. I needed to read this to help me detach in this arena.
Originally Posted by Gerda
It will not feel possible to make it through this time or do all that you have to do, but all you have to do is keep walking through the fire. It will not last forever but right now all you can do is walk through it.
Thanks Gerda. True. Yes. Thanks for shining a light so I can focus on getting out of the tunnel.
