And yes, at first it is strange to hold two different views and beliefs about the same “person”, the same body. It’s within that has changed for our MLCers, they still look the same and even mostly sound the same.
It's just weird. It defies belief. And yet it doesn't, because I see it and believe it. But I still have fleeting moments of thinking, wow, this is so strange! It makes sense that there is confusion in trying to reconcile the MLC spouse with the pre-MLC spouse, because the two just don't fit together, even if at times they seem to. It's like when you think you've found the right puzzle piece, finally, but it's just a little bit off. Trying; doing doesn't work out so well, right?
I've only just begun this new phase with L, and it too is strange. I am able to keep everyone's advice in mind and separate emotion from business when I talk to my L, but then afterward, the emotion rises up. I hope it will get easier to focus on just the business side with time.
For instance, in just preparing to ask for what I am entitled to (as a starting point, that seems fair), I feel conflicted. Partly because I worry at every step I/we will do something to set the MLCer off (fine, that's expected), and it'll do so in a way that shuts down negotiation possibilities. But how to know the best way to go about protecting myself and doing so strategically so that he will think some things are his idea, and therefore be more open to them? Will L really understand MLCer behavior enough?
I understand more than ever that neither one of us will come out of this "restored," no matter who ends up with what. I understand that H will most likely perceive anything I do with L (beyond just agreeing to an annulment!) as attempts to hurt him or attack him or punish him, and I understand that is not my intention. But my gut reaction is to feel bad even so. I think he's in so much pain--I know I didn't break him, can't fix him, but I also know I have caused him pain in our relationship without meaning to. I am not the source of all his pain, but I have contributed to a slice of it. At the end of the day, this is someone I love(d), and I don't want to add to his pain. I suspect there is something about the L process that just can't avoid seeming adversarial despite my best intentions (especially if you are in MLC and wont to think everyone is against you, and you aren't able take responsibility for any of your own decisions). I know it was ultimately out of my hands to go this route, and that mediation wouldn't have worked because of the state H is in. I believe that my L understands where I am coming from and is representing me according to my values.
As my therapist pointed out recently, feeling bad isn't the same as doing wrong. I'm trying to keep that in mind. But I wasn't prepared for how sad this process would seem. Like, even if H suddenly gave up everything, (like your wife, D, to a lesser extent), it would not be a "good" outcome, even though I would benefit. It would still be sad.
I'm also trying to keep in mind some words from a podcast I listened to recently—compassion is not exactly the same as empathy, the guest was saying. I'm trying to remember how she explained it. Empathy is putting yourself in someone's shoes, is imagining what it would be like to experience what they are experiencing. It is, in some sense, taking on that person's suffering in that moment, and it can be hard to do all the time. Compassion as a practice doesn't necessarily mean you are identifying on quite the same level. Having compassion means you recognize another's suffering or pain, and you wish them to be free of suffering and pain, but it doesn't necessarily mean you take on that pain or suffering. bttrfly, this was stemming from a discussion of Brahma-Vihara, or the four divine states of Buddhism, so I have a feeling this is up your alley.
So I'm still working on keeping business separate from emotion, but it is harder than I thought.
My break is over--back to work! I have been able to steal a few minutes here and there in the last week to read some of your updates. I am still thinking of you all, even if I haven't been able to reply yet. I am holding you all in my heart.
