Still Learning...

[Rita]

((((Sage)))))

I totally get it about being flattered. I felt the same when my H did that. But later I understood he was projecting his own desire to cheat and his own feelings that he was justified. It's like he thinks you have to think exactly as he does, he can't imagine anything different right now. I do think it shows he does not want you with someone but ultimately it is a disordered love and you do not need to talk about disordered love with a disordered person. It will only confuse you. It is okay to be totally silent and know that God or the universe knows the truth, it doesn't matter if H does. Remember, your ability to love him has nothing to do with his ability to love you. The beauty of your ability to love is why you feel flattered, you want to be loved as you love. But he is not capable of that now.

Now about the rest -- I don't know if you are a person of faith but I think you just have to remember that you are going through something impossible and that you are loved. It will not feel possible to make it through this time or do all that you have to do, but all you have to do is keep walking through the fire. It will not last forever but right now all you can do is walk through it. Take a bike ride for 15 minutes or stay up a little late after your kids are in bed to read a book you love with your favorite tea or whatever it is that will give you some headspace. And then just keep telling yourself that you are capable of accepting your circumstances and that you will not give way to despair. Think of all the women who are living through far worse than you on this earth. And think of your friends here, who are going through the same thing as you are. I have four different part time jobs, sometimes six when I have more work, and all my hours have been cut. I have no child support, sole custody and a rental business to run on top of my part time jobs. Today I found out I lost my health insurance two months ago from one of my jobs and they never told me. My house is usually a mess and I get grouchy about my kids being home and so needy most of the time. Point is, I get it, it's impossible what we are living through, no one could do it right or perfectly. But you are loved and you are worthy. Just keep walking.