I realise that whilst im healing and doing well there are aspects in my life that are still trigger points. Primarily around kids and uncertainty of the future around childcare. I also have no idea when the D is going to be finalised, as H hasnt filed. In fact H did very little from what he said. Needless to say the house is not on the market, divorce is not on the table. I mean there are hundreds of things he said he would do but never did. And it seems everytime i just say ok to him and not create obstacles he just back down.
Im still very conflicted about dating whilst im married and whilst clearly his values allow Him to do that, i really struggle with that. It feel like im betraying something that I committed to. Sounds stupid because our marriage doesnt exist.
I think it was a good trial run registering, but alas im not there yet.
Kids are really confused where they think I should have keys to dads new house, they very much consider our house their home and then theres dads house. They know who ow is, but havent put 2x2 together. They still very much see us as a family and are convinced if we ever moved to another country H would go with us. So there is a lot to work through still with them.
Every now and again i get a call from H, a week ago he cried on the phone to me about missing the kids, a Couple of days later he sent me a message to say that he is so grateful for everything im doing. I either validate how he is feeling or dont respond. And then he goes quiet again.
We have no formal agreements re childcare, in fact we just dont talk about anything, we have no agreements at all.
It sort of feels like limbo, but likewise feels fairly final now that he has rented a house for himself and invested money into new stuff for the house.
I dont have the resource at the moment for anything to be finalised, but i consider it more and more to sense check when enough is enough and i think somewhere deep down i still have a connection to H, its not a painful one, but still present.
