I’ve started reading (listening to) Hawkins book Letting Go. It’s all about surrendering to the moment, letting feelings come up, allowing them, then asking if they are willing to go. And accepting if they are not, inviting them back later to see if they will go then. The theme is all about surrendering to the moment, which is in tune with my state right now.
As I’m accepting emotions and welcoming them, the primary thing I’m finding aside from sadness is... tiredness. I’m tired. Like, bone-deep, soul-weary tired. Tired of pushing and cajoling life and trying to make it work to my will.
I’m surprised at how flat and tired I am the last few days. I just can’t get up the energy to do much, and after the shock of last weekend - the appearance that I might just (still could) lose it all, I just sort of shut down and haven’t restarted. Hence why it took me three days to make a post here.
Part of me feels that if I pull myself back up, the ground will fall out from underneath me, and I just can’t bring myself to do that right now. It’s an interesting sensation: I’m not depressed, I’ve been there before and I know the feeling. I still have interest in my life and hobbies, I just can’t summon the energy to engage with them. I’m sort of watching it from the sidelines and observing the changes in myself right now, and commenting for anyone who might be going through the same thing.
It makes me realize how much I’ve been working to orchestrate the situation the last few years. Trying to help intervene in my W’s deteriorating relationship with the kids, her work schedule, her sleep schedule. Always trying to help, interject, or encourage a specific outcome. But not now. She does what she does, all I need to do is work, spend time with the kids, and breathe. It’s much less work, and I can feel myself sort of decompressing a bit at a time.
