Single man from Scandinavia

[SteveLW]

Been over a month since my last update and as you can see, I don't post very often. Main reason is I don't have much to update really.

There were a few months were I spent some time with XW but I started to get suspicious of her intentions. I guess I will never know why she reached out so often but my guess is that I am some sort of safe space for her. Another reason is that most likely she misses my dog which used to be our dog. So I started to pull back, kept my answers short when she messaged. Eventually I started to hear less from her. Between October and just until a few days ago we had zero communication. Then she reached out and asked what type of CBD oil I use and asked if I was home so she can come over and look at it. I found this odd as I could of course just snap a picture and send her. But I was out with the dog, far from where she was so I told her that.

She messaged me again when she returned home to show me which one she ended up buying. When she reaches out for these seemingly unimportant things, I can't help but to think she has some sort of ulterior motive. Perhaps to come and see the dog, or maybe even hoping to have a meal at my place as she knows I cook good food.

I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent. It's sad but my focus now is to be attractive for my next partner.

I came to this forum hoping to save my marriage but like many others, I wasn't able to. I wouldn't trade this experience and the man I've become for anything but it still feels sad to think about how something that started so beautiful ended in such a terrible way.

I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.

Ben, good to hear your update. I think you've come so far from where you started, and you should be commended for that! The strong attachment to someone is very difficult to break. And the only way to do is a CLEAN break. You are right, she has zoned you in a place that you are not willing to be for her. I think you've done the right thing being very distant and short in your answers. I would even suggest for you (this is not general advice for anyone reading this) to even just start ignoring some of her queries. There may even be a time when the day comes that you just have to tell her flat out "Look, I've moved on with my life and am not interested in this level of engagement with you. I pray for nothing but good things for your future."

I say all of this because I know how miserable I was in my longtime ex's friend-zone. She was a master manipulator. The first time she manipulated me that was on her. Every time after that was on me. We allow and teach people how to treat us, and I had taught her that she could jerk my chain, treat me like dirt ("I want to be with you!"......"Go away, I am busy!") but that I would always come back for more. Until I finally didn't. It took a while but she finally saw that I wasn't taking the bait or on the hook anymore. And her reach outs became less frequent, and much more formal ("How you doing? How are the wife and kids?") I haven't heard from her for a long time, mainly because I made it clear that there was no chance for the two of us, ever. Making the decision several years ago that I wouldn't even entertain more than a casual, acquaintance relationship with her. Her and I still have a circle of friends and family that overlap so we still will run into each other occasionally at events (once every few years, funerals mostly) but I keep our interactions brief and very formal.

Ben, you will miss her still. And you will still think "maybe this reach out will be the ONE that starts us on the path to R". That is what you need to work on. Make the decision that you wouldn't be open to R with her EVEN if she were to come back and make it known. That way you can move on and forward and not be burden with her as anchor. I can tell you, I was hindered in my dating life greatly because I was always keeping one ear to the ground hoping she was coming back my way. The sooner you can make that decision for yourself, the sooner you can move on completely.