Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Thank you for all the comments and support! On the video thing, my L recommended we exchange kids including sleeping over so that all happens at school and I do not have to see her, I second that. Let's see if I can get it done.

On the recording side, thanks a lot for the suggestion but I don't see the need , let me first try what is the first and foremost recommendation from DB and walk away.

@Rustymom, thanks a lot for your comment. I dont know what is happening through her head, I dont want to know and it is not my job to guess it. I wish I could pass on the message you have brought me on to W, the financial situation we have now is also hurting me and it is not a measurement of the respect and love I feel for her, it is dreadful to be measured solely by how much money you transfer at the beginning of each month, or at least having that feeling. I am sure the board will tell me to shut up, but is there a way I could share this with W in a productive manner?

@ Sandi, thanks for your post, it is not too hard and it touches right into my heart. I have continued working with my IC, she is focused on the fact that I do not accept W left the M over a year ago. It surprises me how much pro D she can sound, I argue with her on this based on my principles and her reply is always that she does not have W there to work together so her POV is we are already Dd and she is there to help me stop pursuing W and becoming that man I keep talking about. She keeps offering positive ideas about my future and family (S6, S2 and me)! My last IC homework are to do those things that make me happy, boy am I onto it. I can run consistently 16km+ every week and the diet is paying off, I got some new clothes because I realized I have to get rid of half my wardrobe as it is too loose now and I have opened a tinder account to talk to other women. My priority number 1 would be to get my M back and share all these changes with W but she just wont let it happen. I have been feeling lonely for a long time and I thought making other women laugh and chatting to them would work for me.

I am better, do you want to know how I've realized? I no longer have thoughts of where and with whom W is spending time, I have a list of activities to do with my kids (I bought one of those pro baby carries for trekking and plan to use it as soon as the lock down is over!), I look at women I find attractive differently (I am no longer a failure of a man and my body is basically asking for meat I guess... IC says this is something to celebrate????) and the best one, I am proudly NC (finally!!!!!) and walk away the first one every time we exchange the kids.

On the other side of the card, quite a lot happened emotionally last week. Tuesday we signed our S agreement in front of the judge, it was cold and we crossed paths as I left the office and she came in. My instinct was to smile and say hello but I got no reaction to her. My L must have seen the mess I was because she offered to have a coffee with me and we had a chat about Spain and her family. Then Sunday was what would have been our 6 year wedding anniversary and sadly for me we had to exchange kids. I had gone for a long run to find some peace, then I played it cool, I smiled while picking up the kids, focused on them and left the first one. I think my actor side did a great job, but the truth is I cried a lot last weekend. It's the second anniversary we are separated or divorced or whatever we are now and it brought back to me all the thoughts about the things I had that were so valuable, the life that will never come back, the promise I made to W that I am trying alone to maintain...

This Friday is my BD and I have the kids! Yaaay! On Saturday I plan to order a big paella and invite some friends over for beers, wine and foodies. I have been missing Munich so much lately, occasionally I have thoughts about the life quality we had there, how well society worked, the opportunities the city could offer my children or the friends we have left behind. I guess I need to work very hard to change / improve my conditions from here but that is one thing UNDER MY CONTROL

I keep reminding myself about all the books, posts and audiobooks I have covered since W left and all the changes I am working so hard to implement. It feels I will never get my M back and this triggers a thought in my head that since I did not get her back it must be I have not implemented the changes (sorry my head is still messed up as you can tell) I think I have so I need to push harder on them. Just something I wanted to share, maybe someone here has experienced it before.

Sandi has told me a million times to stop fighting for my M, is that the equivalent of giving up and moving on? I still think my M and family are the best things in my life and I want to preserve them. I keep thinking about my vows and how the weight of the M is now on my shoulders only but I really really really miss being intimate with a woman, not only sexually, but having the complicity and the admiration from an attractive woman. I guess I will keep rowing one day at a time, being a good father, brother, son and worker and waiting for better times, for now I am focused on my children, being the man I want to be and the advice from IC.

Thank you all, the last year would have been worse than the nightmare it has already been without you all and believe it or not, I would have made way more mistakes. I send you all happiness and calm since it is my BD this week and I am allowed to make a wish, I wish for peace for all of us hurting in this forum.

((hugs))
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