It was the most intense and emotional week I have seen with him so far. One day incredibly friendly and the man I used to know, the next cold and absent, then depressed and crying again, the next day happy and smiling, few hours later suddenly his 16-year-old self comes at the surface (and over and over again). How can a person have so much emotions in 1 week? It really is a mystery to me and I assume for all of us...
The weird thing is that I was very emotional myself for 1 year, and now it seems like the tables have turned. I can keep very calm about the whole fact, although I am glad that this is only for 1 week because this would not be maintainable for the children. It even went to the point where we were watching a movie about schizophrenia one night and 2 of the kids came to me afterwards and told me it was exactly their dad but to a lesser extent?
There have been very open conversations again, but as I mentioned in the past, it is only possible if he has had a drink. I have now also asked him how it possible that he only talks openly when the brakes are loose after a drink and he told me that it just doesn't work, that there is a barrier and that the debt is too great to talk about it when he's completely sober. I have clearly asked him to work on this and to try to drink less and he validated my concerns (let's see the actions in the near future...) I also try to get into the conversations more and more and feel strong enough to ask things that I would never have dared before, even when they are things I would rather not hear. He also no longer shies away from questions.
He was affectionate again for the first time in a long time, is this a certain fear he has of losing me? I don't know.
He was very physical at times, and we have ML a few times again. Is this good? Probably not, but I didn't feel like I wanted to stop this as it felt really good to me. I am 100% sure that there has not been OW in the picture for 10 months now. As I have already said, I have really reached the point where I have completely disconnected from him emotionally. The strange thing is that I can maintain this even after physical contact and know that there is absolutely no certainty that we will get out of this together.
I already live a long way in the moment itself, do not look ahead and maybe that's why I can have peace with this?
He also did take the initiative himself and asked if we would come over to the country where he currently works to spend the holidays with him. I have told him that this is OK and the children are very enthusiastic but I have told them that their father is not there yet, this to save them from disappointment if he does not put the word into action. I let him arrange everything, do not think it is up to me as I don't want to push.
There is one detail I would really like to share with you that he specifically said as I would like to ask if this can mean anything. I do know that in principle I can only believe half of what they say, so can you please share your thoughts?
He told me that for a long time he thought he wanted a divorce (never before has he used this word during the entire crisis but apparently was in his head for a long time?) and that he has therefore accepted the job abroad to make a lot of money as he knows he has to pay a lot to me. Then he said his feelings are shifting slowly the last 2 months and that he no longer wants this. He wants to feel again and love me like he used to, he really wants to work on this. I then asked him if this meant that he might want to gradually rebuild thr relationship, his anwser was that he didn't know but wanted to try. I have not gone into it further.
I know one thing for sure, he is far from being out of the crisis but maybe all of the above means something...
@Job, one of the stories I have read about reconnection and touch and gos states it would be good to read the stories of NGU, DebM and JeanS but I can't find these. Is it possible to post the links. I would really love to read this.
