Moving On Over to Surviving the Big D

[HaWho]

It's been so long since I updated. But I think of this place and you all very often.

Quick recap on the last 6 months of my life:

I caught Covid in late June. I was sick at home for a month. I had a very painful headache that lasted for nearly a week, mild fever for a night, lost my sense of smell for 5 days, had very painful muscle cramps (like someone was stabbing my calves), fatigue, brain fog, shortness of breath (this was the worst symptom) and a cough that lasted 3 weeks. Thankfully, all symptoms did pass. My heart goes out to those who were not as fortunate.

My younger son caught MRSA a little over a month ago. His dad had him that day and had taken him to a drop in clinic (out of network!) at onset of symptoms thinking it was just an infected cut. He was given an antibiotic that was supposed to reduce swelling by 20%. In the AM, the swelling had doubled. His dad brought him back to that same out of network clinic, wracked up a 600 bill and called me in a panic to ask where he was supposed to go. I told him what place was covered and he asked me to come handle it all as he was frustrated and clearly in over his head. I said gladly. He seemed very frazzled. He fears hospitals and aging and sickness.

I took my son to the ER where we learned it was MRSA and he was hospitalized for 5 days. Thank goodness he received wonderful care by a team with an amazing infectious disease, internal medicine and ortho surgeon. I slept alongside him on a small but quite comfy bed. Because of Covid I was not allowed to leave or re-enter the hospital. I was the only guest in the entire ward (because he was a minor I was allowed; VERY thankful for that). I was allowed to go to the cafeteria as it was in the same building, and thankfully offered me a nice long walk where I would go get ice cream and other such treats for my son. Most heartbreaking was all those patients who did not have the ability to have visitors.

While I was there caring for my son I was texting updates to their dad. We have zero contact normally. During this time he said the first nice thing he has said to me in 6 years. Well, sorta nice. It still was padded with an insult. He said "even though I can be a b!tch, I am so glad you are the one there with him." I wrote back and told him no one had ever said I was a b!tch, even his own family said I was amazing. And that is the truth. Everyone, even people in his "camp" say I was a saint. And I told him I was so happy to be able to take care of my son.

Somehow he then proceeded to bring up how much I spent on a lawyer during our divorce, as though I am the first woman ever to secure counsel during divorce. Ha ha. For the first time I called him out on his affair. I told him he has some nerve complaining about me protecting myself from him and all the spending he did on his mistress. I told him he was a liar and a cheater and the best thing I ever did was hire a lawyer to protect myself from who he had become. I also told him he was a mirror image of his dad who had a MLC and married his affair partner who even had the same name. I wasn't mad, just fed up with his inability to see himself for who he had become. At one time he understood that what his father did was wrong and hurtful to many, many lives. He is not one to point out any faults in others. And I was tired of staying silent at all of his nonsense. He didn't say much back. Did not defend himself. If offered me some closure to call him out.

My dog was diagnosed with a terminal tumor last week. Heartbroken. He lived to full life expectancy and was healthy to the end. Vets said to put him down within two weeks. Ex and I agreed on that Friday. Saturday AM I woke to the most bizarre text convo from him. He had copied the kids on it, too. He sent me a super long, rambling text saying he was not going to put the dog down as he seemed happy and was now just an old dog?!?! He said if we just treated him as old, he could live like this for months. Did he just forget that we sought 3 different opinions and all vets said the same: he has two weeks at best. One vet is his sister-in-law! From there conversation became super weird.

I waited a day and texted back that the issue was not just that our dog was old. The issue is he has a really large tumor that causes fluid to build up in his lungs, his breathing will grow increasingly labored, he suddenly had no appetite, was losing weight fast and was sleeping a lot. And I reminded him all three vets gave the same independent diagnosis. I knew this would be hard as he is so afraid of death.

He texted back that the dog just ate a huge meal. Then one minute later "actually he did not eat much." Huh? Then minutes later he said "his breathing is great!" And less than one minute later, "actually he is short of breath." Huh? I suppose he was struggling with denial.

I reached out to his sister-in-law and again asked her opinion. She said even if the dog was very sedentary, there was a good chance he could die gasping for air as the tumor was on his lungs and she said that would be painful. I told ex that. I said it might happen when the kids would witness it. It was be painful for the dog and scarring for the kids.

He lashed out and told me not to contact his family or else he would reach out to my sister! My sister-in-law and I text very frequently. We are friends. (And good luck on reaching out to my family!)

I wrote back "go ahead! Do you think there is anything you can tell my family that will make them stop loving me? I love them unconditionally and vice versa. What is sad is how you deploy the same emotional blackmail that was deployed on you as a kid." And it really is sad how dirty he fights. Even sadder is that he learned it from his own mom doing it to him. He wrote back that he was kidding and just trying to lighten the mood. I said "I don't believe you were kidding because you have often gone really low like this." He then told me he was a saint for dealing with me. I said no one ever said he was saint, not even his own family. And I told him to look back at this conversation and ask himself if a saint would threaten to call someone's family and try to turn them against a family member. He is no saint. He needs a truth tranquilizer.

He said let's stick to the dog. I said I was and told him look back at convo and see who brought emotional blackmail and family in it. He did not answer. He is the fire starter.

A few hours later he agreed again to put the dog down. And we did so last night. He passed away peacefully.

When we were at the hospital ex said he wanted the ashes when speaking to the nurse. Later he asked me if I wanted 1/2 the dog's ashes. I said no. I know the remains are important to some. My sister holds her dog's ashes near and dear. It just does not happen to provide me any comfort. He turned to go back to the person he was speaking with but he before he got there he came back and asked if I wanted to bring the ashes to the ocean. I said no. I was confused. Did he mean together? Or he would give me some of the ashes? He seemed to want me to help him make a decision about ashes I did not even want.

I remembered when his grandmother died and we went to visit her grave for the first time. He was well into MLC and years into bomb drop. When he thought I wasn't looking he took some of the dirt from her grave and put it in his pocket. Just odd.

It was sort of strange to be with him when we put my dog down; like being with a stranger. I was there for the dog. I felt no need to comfort him or to have him comfort me. That ship has long sailed and I have no interest in who he is today.

After my dog passed I said goodbye to the front desk gal and nothing to him. It should be strange given we vowed ourselves to each other. But it is not any longer. It's stranger to think of him as anything more than a stranger.

Though it's been a tough few months, I am well as are my kids.