Like WF my kneejerk would be to tell him it is none of his beeswax. Honestly. (But that is your unenlightened friend May talking who is bathing in anger right now and not super inclined to give him a pass on this one. Consequences are hard, little man.) I get that he's having a rough time but it feels crazy-town to me that he's doing this.
Although, I guess it does show just how much difficulty he is having. To be so ruled by your emotions and have so little control over letting them dictate your actions must feel awful, whether it means chasing the OW and leaving his family or accusing you of dating, which also seems nutty since HE LEFT YOU!!! For you to be under a "cloud of suspicion" that is making it difficult for you to carry out all of the daily responsibilities of your life because he is worried you are moving on is just beyond.
I recall you writing on someone's thread on Newcomers whose WH moved back in and then bounced again after a month that he sure kept a very tight leash on her while they were S, temp checking like he was getting paid for it. Just to push on you a bit... isn't this what your H is doing? And why is it your job to smooth his feelings down around this consequence too? You leave your wife, she may date other people. Sorry that doesn't feel good to him, but that is LIFE.
And to push a little more... are you sure you aren't telling yourself that you need to calm this particular flare-up to make your life easier, or because you want to have a certain attitude with all of this and "nunya" is not really your style? Or are you, yet again, soothing away his bad feelings around potential consequences of his actions by reassuring him you aren't seeing anyone? Just like all of us, does he need to experience the discomfort of not-knowing where you are in all of this to be able to fully understand his own feelings and desires? Is it appropriate for you to be his security blanket still?
In terms of not contributing to the cycle of insecurities that may ultimately harm your co-parenting R, my worry is that this is a never-ending hole for both of you. You will never be able to have enough transparency to convince him, even if you wanted to, and he'll continue to think up ways that you might be "betraying" him because this is stemming from someplace inside him, not from you.
One caveat... I do think that telling him something specific due to COVID is a good idea, if for no other reason than I think you would want to know the same thing from him. When he went on his work trip and presumably saw OW with unknown levels of precautions, I remember you wanting to protect your own health and that of your children's by asking him (rightfully, in my book) to take additional precautions upon returning home. So while maybe outside of COVID it wouldn't make sense for you to need to explain yourself, I do see the value right now in telling him something along the lines of what WF suggests. Maybe a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way. I will absolutely let you know if my COVID risk profile changes, and I hope you will do the same." would be enough.
Oh Sage, you have the biggest heart on the planet. I worry that you're pouring it into everyone around you and not keeping any energy for yourself. I know with COVID and distance learning and all the rest (even if not going through all this WH stuff) it is just too much sometimes. My feeling on all of this is that the kids aren't going to have long-term scholastic damage from this (and if they do, so will every other child on the planet, so we'll all be the same distance behind). I have zero shame these days in letting the kids watch a movie so I can get a little nap. Can you cut yourself some parenting/schooling slack and carve out some time for you?
xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
