Steve_'s LRT phase 2

[JosephS]

Hey Steve, I’ve been following you along behind the scenes with others. I don’t put my 2 cents into a lot because I’m still going through the paces. Anywho I think I can offer you some advice here as I was in denial about a lot of the reasons I broke no contact and was in denial about the part I played in my life coming undone at the seems. Also as CW has pointed out I do have my kids 100% of the time due to neglect and abuse.

So...let’s start out with you need to accept your role in this. It maybe as easy as admitting you are where you are because you did allow her to cheat 4 or 5 times. You need to be honest with yourself. She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t respect you. Accidents or mistakes happen. People are imperfect. However patterns are not accidents or mistakes. Taking her back after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th one isn’t an accident either, but it was a mistake.

She continues to contact you not because she loves or respects you, and she certainly doesn’t miss you. But because you allow it. Because she enjoys the response she gets out of you. And you are nothing more than her back up plan safe space. This doesn’t hold true for everyone on this board. But in my opinion it absolutely holds true for you. If she wanted to come back and you allowed it, you will go through this again.

This is just the beginning. She will get more bombastic with the reasons to contact you. She’ll than give you time to recover. You’ll let your guard down. She may come at you with the lets be friends talk. But try to remember, would she break even a friend the way she’s broken you through out the relationship? She’ll find whatever reason because again, you are the back up plan and safe space. No other reason.

Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love or respect. Not at all! And that’s where divorce busting is crucial. It allows you to fix yourself. Heal your heart and mind. Help you realize you are worthy of more. And it does help you understand the mistakes you made. For some people that comes into play with the 2 act of their marriage. For some others like me and I pray yourself it helps you become a better partner in the next relationship.

Now, this does get easier with time, but nothing worth while is instantaneous. I use to close my eyes, and wake up 5 mins later because I could hear her talking to me. Thing was, she wasn’t there. I dreamed every night for a month about her. And woke up every day for a month thinking she was home. I did myself no favors by “being the nice guy” and allowing her to continue to play with my heart and head. Because I didn’t respect myself enough to stop someone from walking all over me, why and how could I expect someone else to respect me that way when I didn’t respect myself.

As far as the kids go, I have full custody because I found out later there was physical abuse. And truth be told I was so screwed up in the head I didn’t wanna believe it at first. That’s a hard truth to admit. Start documenting everything. You and your children need to come first. Be their rock. Be their constant. Because no matter how bad you feel right now, your children’s entire figurative and literal world was just rocked and and turned upside down. Love them harder than you ever thought possible. Be that constant. Be that place they can exhale and feel peace.

If you suspect there is abuse I encourage you to have it investigated. By whatever means you feel necessary. However please be sure that there is cause for concern. Unfortunately I have had a few personal guy friends see my situation and than tried to use allegations of abuse that were false as threats. A horrible spouse doesn’t necessarily mean a bad parent. Even the spouse who’s at total fault in the destruction of their marriage can get stressed. With that said my “friends” literally weaponized their children. Needless to say we aren’t friends anymore. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here even for a moment. Not at all, but be prepared, because you more than likely will be accused of that. So again, be diligent and sure and keep things documented.

I’ll keep an eye out on your thread. If you have any questions feel free to ask. And I’ll jump in if I think I could be of some value. But just remember I’m not a professional and I and not a veteran of this board. But I do hope to help people when I can.

Lastly an attorney is the best way to keep no contact. And can be a god send.