It sounds to me like you have to dump this C. She sounds like she is confusing things further and telling your XH to go ahead and move on.
Maybe he told her things to make her behave this way. I don't know. But, it sounds to me like you have no choice to continue trying to reconcile unless you get rid of her and move to another. There has to be a good one. Find a good C in your area before dumping her and then try to move on. Ask H if he will consider it for your closure or something.
I don't buy it, I think he said ILY because he felt it.
As far as getting to the physical part, I got him drunk. Yes, I know, it's rather seedy. But, I noticed that when he was drinking, he was more "affectionate." Before that, he wouldn't do it at all. Well, he got drunk and we ML once, then he felt guilty so I told him it didn't have to mean anything. Back then, he was absolutely sure about D. He didn't have "any feelings for me, just numbness." He "didn't want to lead me on by having sex with me or going away for a weekend."
I started by telling him it was OK with me if we were just "friends with benefits." That it didn't have to mean anything, just physical release. He seemed fine with this. It helped to relieve his guilt. It became more and more frequent as I showed him it didn't have to have any emotional meaning. I would make it quick and not try to kiss or get him romantically involved.
Back then, he would just put his hands behind his head and close his eyes. Wouldn't touch me. I felt like I was a whore. I decided to keep going, though, and I'm glad I did. Little by little, I got him to begin to touch me and such. He opens his eyes now. Sometimes keeps them closed still, but I think now instead of being because he doesn't want to look at me, it's because the feelings are coming through and they confuse him. That's OK with me.
However, it's working against me now, I think. We have gotten to a part where it is more emotional. I guess it had to become something other than "just sex" eventually. After all, he does have some feelings for me. It definitely worked in my direction in the beginning.
So, it went from him keeping his hands behind his head and eyes closed to looking at me and smiling. He touches me, he tries to please me (didn't care before), he holds me during his O, and cuddles with me afterwards. Not just cuddles, but holds me tightly all night long. A few times I have woken him up for ML and he thanks me the next day, as if he has been thinking about it all day.
Why does it seem to be working against me? We seem to be at a point where he will ML to me but still won't kiss me. When I put my face near his, he turns his head. Won't go near me with his lips. This is a big step that I want to take. I want to go back to kissing him. He says he can't hold my hand or kiss me because I feel like his sister to him. It feels too weird and awkward.
I actually asked him about it last night. How do you ML to me but can't kiss me? Or hold my hand? How do you reconcile ML to someone you say feels like your sister? He says I am analyzing too much. I said fine, and let it drop. After all, it took about a month of ML with him completely shut off from me physically. He would actually cross his arms after O so that I couldn't hold him or come close to cuddling with him. Now he is holding me. There's progress, I hope we make further progress. Mainly, I got here to where we are by not making a big deal out of it.
well, I really need everyones help on this one---please. ex tells me that if I need to know anything else, call c.l well she called me back today, at work no less and tells me that there is no reason for a "couples" session because there are no two interested parties. my ex told her that he has no intention of ever getting back with me, he wishes not to reconcile or remarry me!!!! this was very, very hard coming from a stranger and not ex. she asked me why he didn't tell me this himself and I had no answer. I don't know what to do??? am I wasting my time, I have just had a 2x4 in the head do I go back for more???? then he starts talking about the dance competition in july and that after that we wants us to go to DC what does this mean??? is he just being stubborn or what? d asked if we were getting back together and I said no and she said that it was not good of dad to say that he loved me and then not even try to work at it. but she says that she likes things the way they are. well, I'm only nice and do favors because he was giving me the impression that he wanted to work things out. I really don't want to be friendly anymore. no more dinners, bike rides, movies it just messing with my head. i want to talk to him about this but not sure how to go about it. i think since we are d we should start acting like it. HELP sos!
Hi there, I'm sorry to read about the incredible ambiguity coming from your XH.
Quote: ex tells me that if I need to know anything else, call c.l well she called me back today, at work no less and tells me that there is no reason for a "couples" session because there are no two interested parties. my ex told her that he has no intention of ever getting back with me, he wishes not to reconcile or remarry me!!!! this was very, very hard coming from a stranger and not ex. she asked me why he didn't tell me this himself and I had no answer.
IMHO, you need to ask him why you had to learn this from C. In a calm rational manner, and be open to whatever his answer may be.
Quote: I don't know what to do??? am I wasting my time, I have just had a 2x4 in the head do I go back for more???? then he starts talking about the dance competition in july and that after that we wants us to go to DC what does this mean???
This is just my perspective, I feel that we need to decide whether we want to be with these people or not, and only then can we decide whether the DBing will work. But then, I have been at this process for just 3 months, and am still at the point where I have faith in the process. Do you feel up to dbing all over again?
I'll try to go back to the anitasues threads. Hope this was of some use. Slowly
thanks slowly. I went into this telling ex I was going to give this 110% but I guess he doesn't want me. Its hard to tell if I have it in me to db anymore. I had such high hopes and since I was getting invited everywhere with him and d I figured we were working towards reconiling. Like they say never ASSume things. but I get the feeling now that I was just invited to go along as a kind of "nanny" , like when we go biking, ex is a avid biker and d and I the most we bike is 20 miles, where he does like 50 and tries to bet his old time. if d went with him, she would not be able to keep up, so thats why I am there. he can ride and not worry cause d is with mom. I just really let down. I will though have to see him tonight so I am going to tell him, nicely that he doesn't have to invite me to dinner or bike rides anymore. he can, if he wants me there for me and not to play nanny. I guess I will have to see how that goes.
well, I guess it's over not sure. I told ex tonight that I spoke with the c and was disappointed that he didn't have the guts to tell me what she said herself. he said that he didn't want to "get into" it with me and that there was nothing to reconile because you only do that when you are getting along. I said that I was glad to know that we know where eachother stands. I think I will just do the "act as if" and take it one day at a time, but if he asked to to dinner or on anymore bike rides I think I will pass. Heck I only brought the bike because he had one and we got our d one, so I figured I would get one and we could do something as a family since we have never done that before.
I just don't know what to say. I am so sorry. This is totally alien to me. He seems like he's lost it.
I don't believe he was asking you along just for nanny services. That's awful to think, and really, it would have been easier to just leave you both at home. I still want to believe it was because he likes your company.
What is your gut instinct? For me, it is almost always right.
thanks for checking on me rottzilla. Well, I will be the true test for "act as if". I just don't know, on one hand I feel so stupid for going on all those bike ride and meals, then on the other maybe he is just scared, I mean I did have an affair on the guy and maybe he is just being extra extra careful. But I'm going to go over there and pretend that nothing happened and just enjoy my daughter! and I dyed my hair back to its orginal color. I used to be brown, then red and now since I'm going to be 40, I went back to brown and actually when I look in the mirror, I feel kinda powerful-don;t know why, but who cares!!!
well, I got one for your guys. I went over this morning to pick up daughter, she wasn't up yet. I woke her up ex was making breakfast and asked if I wanted something, I said no. I had to buy a b-day present for daughter;s friend then take her to the party. while I was waiting for daughter to get dressed ex says hey we should go see the new harry potter movie, hey sue look up the movie times on the computer, I was like okay so we ended up setting a time to see a movie. I came home from picking d up from party and called ex. he said that he still wanted to see the movie and said yes and I asked him if it was easier for him to pick us up and he said yes, so here I go off too the movies he told me not to worry that he was paying. well, the first two shows were sold out. and we thought the next one was at 9 p.m., instead it was for 10:45 which was too late, so we ended up shopping at the mall and then coming home. Now is something wrong with me or is he lost his marbles??????
Suzy, I know how you feel. The question about XH loosing his marbles made me laugh so hard I almost cried. Boy I have thought this a time or two! LOL My XH goes through this stage of wanting me around constantly to being very distant.
Just wanted you to know you are not in this alone!
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
