Ok, it’s been a few days, I’m finally calm enough to discuss.
Guys, I finally get it.
I’m done pushing life. I’m done trying to fix life or control life. This is my situation, and there’s nothing I can do to improve it or change it. I’m going to start learning to be ok with that.
You’re right that I have still been looking for the silver bullet or the magic pill. I was still looking for the perfect way to bend events and conversations to find a resolution to this. But the last few days broke me. I had taken some of the advice here and told my W if she was so sure, she should move out. And then she started looking for apts. and I had to face the possibility that I would be alone, or single parenting my kids in the middle of a pandemic with no contact or help. It terrified me to my core and sent me to a very dark place.
So instead, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I have a troubled roommate for a W, and there is nothing I can do to help her. But what I DO have is my kids under my roof 7 days a week, I get to cuddle them and sleep next to them, and I have in my W a helping hand and someone to chat with. I am reframing to appreciate the warmth she brings to conversations, the kind sharing of our days, and the joy of getting to be around my kids whenever I want.
I’m learning a lot about letting go, surrendering, and accepting. And I’m reading up on healing old wounds, attachments, and fears. I’m going to start working on my own emotions and hurts. I will be here if she ever wants to talk about her problems and will support her if she wants to grow. I will listen, validate, and not judge. I will hope, but not act on it. But for now, I am happy to have my kids here with me and someone to talk to during the day. Maybe it’s fear, I don’t care. This pandemic has pushed me to my absolute limit, and I can’t push back anymore, so I’m going to start counting my blessings and enjoying the small things in life.
Sometimes I compare my “courage” relative to what all these books say about moving on and leading your own life. Whatever, maybe I don’t measure up. But for five years, I’ve been up against an inhuman number of circumstances - facing bankruptcy, two oppositionally defiant kids, one special needs (ASD/ADHD), a crumbling marriage, a traumatized/withdrawn wife, job loss, eviction, 5 house moves, intense job stress. I’m not playing the victim - I am NOT a victim. But I am also recognizing that those guidelines for how to be brave in your life DONT account for being inside a burning building, in an earthquake, in a tornado, in a tsunami. I’m done fighting and I’m done comparing how well I’m doing and slamming myself for not measuring up. I have done an AMAZING f*ing job in these circumstances, and I still have my self-respect, my love for W and kids, and I still refuse to put hate in my heart or be a victim. My heart is still wide open to hope and love.
180s and GAL are my future. Because I have things I want to be different about myself. Not to change HER, but because I love MYSELF and want to be the best me I can be. I will not judge or belittle or dismiss in conversations. I will listen and validate and show interest in the other person, be happy to share a conversation, and ask questions showing I would like to know more about their world. I will do the things I am supposed to do, not because I want something back, but because they need to be done and they are part of being a responsible adult. I will give when I can because it makes me feel good, and I will say no when I don’t want to do a thing. I will enjoy life and accept and even celebrate that my situation is NOT perfect and will likely never be, but it has many blessings and sources of joy. I will accept where fate takes me - amor fati.
I’ll answer your questions, but for clarification’s sake, not trying to fix anything.
Re: mental health, my family has always been big on mental health. My mom is a therapist, and the motto is, if you see a problem you address it so it doesn’t impact your life. My wife’s family is the opposite, they bury and do not talk about mental health issues. Her father has a terminal illness, her mother has chronic depression and is a narcissist (and possibly on the spectrum), and she has 2 siblings and 2 nieces/nephews who are ADHD and possibly on the spectrum, and 1 sibling who has had crippling depression for years. There is little to no curiosity in dealing with these diagnoses for her family, they’re just something that sort of “is” and if they ever get explained, it really doesn’t have much impact.
Yes, when she had her cry for help, she had downed a bunch of my sleeping pills and alcohol while she was home alone watching our 2 year old. I came home to find her on the floor, unconscious, with my 2yo standing over her. They kept her in hospital for 3 days to make sure she wasn’t a danger to herself and others. To this day, she says she just “wanted some sleep” and is angry over how affected I seem to still be by it. Her attitude even at the time was more of a “what’s the big deal” response, although she later said she deeply regretted it. For me, that was the night I thought I was going to lose my wife. Her family has shown almost no concern at all for her mental health. I don’t even know what that concern would look like if they did, since they don’t talk about mental health issues. “Sorry you’ve been down,” maybe?
So yes, here I am. I’m not done hoping, and not done building, but I am done fighting and pushing and controlling life.
