This is a fascinating conversation and I wanted to add some thoughts from a female perspective. I too was a LD partner and instigated a SSM in my M. And much like all your partners, the beginning days were very hot and heavy. My partner also was/is a NG.
In the beginning, the pursuit factor played a strong role in the initial attraction. Prior to M, both parties worked hard to attract and maintain that alluring je ne sais quoi. But sometime after M, for me after kids, both partners became complacent. The security of the R meant that it was easy to take each other for granted. And as a woman, the obligations of house, babies and work exhausted a lot of my resources.
H found me attractive and was eager to keep things hot. In hindsight, a few factors led to our SSM: 1. He failed to speak my love language 2. There was no more pursuit: he was steady and loving, but I didn’t feel like the hot young thing he was initially attracted to and to relive our hot and heavy days, I needed to be lured back to that mental landscape. He was too easy and available. 3. Sex felt like a chore after taking care of all the other chores in my life. It became one more thing that I needed to ‘give’ to another person.
The remedy was more than just taking me on dates or telling/showing me how much he loved me. The remedy was to inject a little bit of the pursuer/distancer dynamic into the R. It wasn’t enough that he stopped asking it of me, I needed to feel that I was going to lose him. His confidence spiraled and that made it even more unattractive to me. I wanted someone to dominate me, be the strong, manly, knight in shining armor, sweeping me away from the mundane. He leaned on me to be the caretaker of him not only physically, but emotionally, which was a turnoff.
Women approach sexuality from their minds, not their nethers. We require a certain headspace to get into that sexual place.
My story ends differently because H ended up leaving me. And during the waning limbo of our MR, we recaptured some of those early days. But I could have been a WW if I didn’t have so many children to care for during the days of our SSM, so I can see it from both sides.
Being a man only a fool would leave means reclaiming that self-confidence and detachment (in Steve’s sense of the definition he speaks about earlier in this thread). Nothing is more attractive than both parties feeling like they have to work a little for the R. When you have to work a little, or you fear the loss of your partner, you are less likely to give up on your investment.
