#18 - Still working 2 years into Ring & Piecing

[BL42]

Steve85,

Thanks for sharing. As I reflect on the relationship with my W, I can related to a lot of what you write.

Then I met my W. There was an immediate spark....She found herself single from her latest for just a few months at this point...Within months she was hinting at wanting to get married.

My W exited a long term (7 year) relationship just a month or two before we met, whereas I had dated but no long term relationship in awhile. We quickly had a spark and quickly progressed in our relationship with my W certainly wanting to speed things along.

I am a very conservative, low-risk kind of guy. I had been a Dr. Laura listener for years by that point, and if you know Dr. Laura she advocates a minimum of 2 years dating before marriage. So I had a two year dating requirement in my head.

I proposed to my W 1yr after dating, and we got married 1yr after getting engaged. Perhaps waiting 2 yrs would've fleshed out these issues before a bigger commitment.

I should point out, and though my belief system today run counter to this, our sex life was off the charts during all this time. Even during the rocky second year, when we would see each other, we rocked each other's worlds. We were very open to experimentation, very into each other sexually.
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We got married that spring, and I was surprised at how much I loved the idea of being married. And then reality hit me. Almost immediately she started to lose her interest in sex. It was like a switch had been hit. Within 2 months I started wondering if I had made a mistake. And my NGS started to kick in and I started to act hurt and pouty about it. When we did have sex it felt like she was doing me a favor. We fell into an awful pattern of once every other month, that would extend to two months. Into three-four months. I think the first 2-3 years of marriage we averaged once every 6 weeks, and that is probably liberal.
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The sex issues continued though, we never had sex once during the pregnancy, and for about 4 months after. But it never really returned and now we were in a "once every 4 months" routine. This went on for 2 years, with me becoming increasingly resentful, and angry. My mood at home was often terrible. And I was not a pleasant person to be around. This wasn't 100% of the time, and we still had some good times in there, but there was no connection. No emotional spark. I had pulled back all non-sexual affection and emotional engagement. The only time we had any physical/emotional interaction was the 3-4 times a year we had sex, and even then the emotional part was quickly fading.

Our sex life initially was intense and exciting, but reflecting as I have these last 9 months, I recognize things waning and some mild frustration towards the end of even the first year. I wouldn't say I started wondering if it was a mistake after two months, we got along fairly well otherwise without many fights, but the frequency certainly diminished over the years which caused me to be frustrated and irritable at times.

The interesting thing is that over the years, when I would try to talk to her about the sexual problems, the discussion always went the same. "I am broken" she'd say. "I don't know what is wrong with me." "I need therapy." She had a couple of incidents with family members and older men close to the family that she thought caused some of it. But she had no answers, and she never took the time to get into therapy. She had in the first few years of our marriage and the therapist was awful, so she was gun shy about therapy again. The cycle was we'd go weeks with no sex. I would complain. She would say the above. I'd get more angry and resentful. Finally she'd cave and we'd have not very fulfilling sex, and the cycle would start again.

Interesting. I distinctly remember my wife saying "I don't know what is wrong with me." at one point. I should've empathized more and handled that statement better. She also told me "I am broken" after BD.

The last time we had sex, a few months before BD 2017, was awful. Afterward I literally felt like a rapist. While I hadn't raped her (she consented) she laid there and made it known through body language that she was not into it at all. She was obviously TRYING to send that message. It made me never want to try again until after our sitch was resolved and things were in a much better place. I never want to feel that again.

There were several times when we had sex but she was obviously uninspired and uninterested, making me feel unwanted.

Hoch, and others, I hope this helps. SSM are ticking timebombs....BD is coming you just don't know when.

Steve85 - My question is what do you think caused the drop off in sex initially? Why do you think your sex life was "off the charts" while dating to "Almost immediately she started to lose her interest in sex"? Sometimes I wonder if my W acted so loving and sexually to "ensnare" me (for lack of a better word), and then to turn it off and act as she really wanted to once she was married. But...is it something you (and I) did to cause that, which I can improve upon for the future? I tend to think the lack of the sex life caused me to get frustrated and pull away, but maybe in her mind (and your W's) it was the opposite. In other words...what came first, the chicken or the egg? And how to I improve myself and/or see the red flags for next time?