Do I seem overly focused on X? Huh. I don’t feel stuck at all. I’m going to explore this a bit (a lot) below.
I do deliberately look back and reflect when I post here, trying to understand how and why I allowed myself to accept an abusive relationship dynamic for so long. I feel like I’m still being deprogrammed. That’s for my sake, not his. The lengths I went to save (and then grieve) my marriage doesn’t mean it wasn’t an unhealthy and often unhappy one, or that I didn’t fully realise this until after the fact. I don’t believe I’m looking back through a darkened lens, but a clear one. The things I post about it and X are my attempt to tease out patterns of behaviour in order to make sense of what was a hugely traumatic event. Pattern recognition is supposed to be the defining ability which elevated humankind from rudimentary to intellectual beings. It protects us from harm and helps us make smarter decisions. It helped me realise that X is not a safe person for me to be around so I’ve done everything possible to remove him from my life.
Vilification is an interesting word choice. I am absolutely conservative in my thinking when it comes to betrayal, abandonment, and deception. There is no context in which it is acceptable in my book. I do believe that a man who abandons a pregnant wife or new mother deserves harsh judgement, regardless of the circumstances or his personal narrative. Others may disagree. Does he have the right to leave? Of course. I don’t control anyone’s life, and I wouldn’t want that responsibility. I will point out that I don’t know of any other legal contract that one party is unilaterally allowed to break at any time without penalty, but that’s more of a side note. Is it vilification to shine a light on behaviour that is objectively repugnant according to the human code of morality? Betrayal, abandonment, and deception are three of the ugliest moral crimes a person can commit against another. Let alone against the one person in the world you vowed to love, cherish, and protect, and least of all, against the children you chose to bring into this world.
I’m not interested in ‘playing the victim’ in the sense that I deserve or demand pity or sympathy, but to ignore the moral crimes he committed against me is to whitewash the guiding principles of my life. I have no wish to punish X as the ‘perpetrator’ of these crimes. His punishment is living with himself. I do not believe he did the best he could at the time. I do not believe that hurt people hurt people. I believe he stuck around until I no longer had any use or status, and then he discarded me as soon as a better option came along. Simple as that. He has consistently chosen the path of least honour and most cowardice. For any human to exploit another for personal gain is objectively wrong in my belief system. It is abuse. But I forgive him. Forgiveness does not require an admission of guilt. Forgiveness is cancelling a debt that won’t be paid back so you can move on. That’s it. Forgiving that debt is not for the debtor, it’s so the bank can clear their books and have a clean slate. Forgiveness is acceptance. And I know I’ve reached that point.
One thing I’ve always been so careful to do, even when in the emotional doldrums, is to seek legal counsel before taking any position in custody negotiations. I’d never take a position that favoured me for selfish reasons because that would go against my code of honour— except for this Christmas issue. And in the end, I couldn’t live with the discomfort of doing something intrinsically unfair, even though I desperately wanted it and could have made him fight for it. So I’m confident that my conditions for increasing his parenting time were more than reasonable in the eyes of the law, but also within the part of me that governs behaviour— my conscience, I suppose. I’ve never attempted to control his parenting time, even when it has caused me great distress, because I understand that’s out of my wheelhouse and not appropriate. I’ve never asked what he does, where he takes him, who is there. He’s brought him back injured without explanation, and I’ve not demanded one. He is free to parent how he wishes without interference from me.
He has never complied with what very little I’ve asked of him: a) Confirm your address and emergency contact information, and b) stick to the agreement, or sign a new one— that’s literally it. When I asked for assistance caring for a sick baby, he refused. When I asked him to continue the parenting schedule we’d established during the marriage, he refused. Because he “didn’t enjoy it”. He wanted less time. He’s actively circumvented any agreement he voluntarily made with me. From the very beginning when we agreed that he’d spend time with S2 in our marital home to maintain his routine— he’d agreed to feed him breakfast and walk him to daycare in the pram. What he actually did was wait until I left the house, then put S2 in his car and take him back to his house. This was not a condition I set in exchange for visitation; this was a voluntary agreement we discussed and made together. If he had asked, I would have said “yes, take him— I just need to know your address in case of emergency”. He is incapable of reciprocity or cooperation. Like, pathologically incapable. I truly believe this.
This has gotten way longer than anyone cares to read, but it was an interesting thought exercise for me.
