Hey Joe! Guess what I did today? Read back over your old threads. I wish every LBS would read your story, b/c you are very candid about your emotional struggles during the reconciling/piecing. It's like the LBS is consumed on just getting their WS back, and they don't process some the natural feelings that come when you been so utterly betrayed. Then when they are reconciling/piecing, the anger, resentment, vindictiveness shows up. We even see some LBS become WAS during this piecing stage, b/c they can't deal the delayed emotions. I encourage all couples to find a professional therapist who is experienced in healing after an affair. There are some MC that aren't worth the money you pay, but keep searching till you get the right one. This piecing stuff is hard, and any LBS who thinks things will fall back into place once the WS ends an affair, or comes back from a separation........is going to be shocked by their own delayed emotions.
With that said, I want to ask you a question, and I may stir up something, but let's think about it. Some authors, including MWD, says the LBS should ask any & all questions about the affair. I have seen some cases where the LBS asked for details about the sex, etc., and then could not free their minds of the scenes that were painted. So, I'm not sure how healthy it would be to get the dirty details.
Another question is........do you hold your recovering WW responsible for your emotional healing? When you have triggers and these old feelings rear their ugly heads, you talk to your W about it, right? She tries to reassure you, right? I'm glad to know the two of you are able to talk about the hard stuff.......(and I think it's terrific you are having sex. btw). I'm not suggesting you stop. I'm just asking a question from LBS's. If we are responsible for our own happiness, are we also responsible for our own healing? Do you hold your recovering WS accountable or responsible for your healing.......or the pace in which you heal?
Now, FWIW, I want to assure all LBS's that if their WS truly repents of their waywardness.......you know, is remorseful and humble (which remorse without humility is not worth a pinch of salt, IMHO), and agrees to do whatever is necessary to save the M, s/he will feel the pain of shame, regret, embarrassment, and other forms of fallout from the wayward actions. The WS not only has to atone for their cheating/betrayal, but will need to do a complete overhaul on their heart/mindset. The WS is held responsible for their wayward actions, and the destruction it causes. Usually, the WS is left feeling confused, hopeless, and/or depressed. The weight of responsibility is a bitter to swallow, and although the LBS may have played a part in the initial breakdown of the MR, the cheater cannot place blame the other person for the wayward conduct. The burden of proof (transparency) is on the WS, not the LBS. The WS also has to find forgiveness for the LBS, for their part of the breakdown in the MR. Whether or not the LBS thinks it right or wrong, the WS needs healing, also. It may not look the same as that of the LBS, but if the MR is to be well & happy, healing has to come for both spouses. The WS doesn't escape emotional pain. They have their own brand of triggers, that causes fresh guilt and sorrow to rise, and finding forgiveness for themselves seems impossible.
I'm not trying to gather sympathy for any WS. Not very many WS's come to the board, much less explain some of the things they had to go through as they travel the road to piecing their MR back together. The LBS suffers greatly, and it takes time and hard work to rebuild a solid MR. They have good reason for how they feel. I just wanted everyone to know that the WS doesn't escape scot-free.
BTW, Joe, continue the great job!! You two are going to make it!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!