The more I read about all of this - the less I have sex on my mind and am actually thinking about evrything else. How we’ve neglected romance and attraction in the past few years, without ever thinking about it and realizing (at least on my side). And we neglected it both. Just reading through 5LL made me feel like I am not getting my Emotional Bank Account filled either most of the time. We have sooo much room for improvement on both sides. I just hope she doesn’t lose faith and stays involved.
Not sure if you've gotten to this part in the book yet, but he goes over how you need to focus on making deposits in her account and not worry about getting yours filled for now. Marriages get in trouble when both parties feel they have empty accounts and they're both sitting back waiting for the other to come fill their account. This is really the thrust of DBing as well- YOU need to do the work, not wait for her to. "It Takes One to Tango" as Michele says. And you are doing the work so that's great. Keep it up. Just don't have any expectations that she will come around immediately, it takes time. 5LL also makes the point that if you start making deposits in her emotional account then at some point she'll WANT to make deposits in yours. Not because she feels like she has to, but because she actually wants to. And that's when things will turn around for real.
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I am also hesitant about sharing anything I read with her - I might share 5LL once I’m done with it, as it seems like a good literature for anyone who wants to improve their marriage.
I would not share it with her. If you do, and then if you try and implement some of the things you read, she might see it as you trying to use "tricks" to get her back. Just keep it to yourself, at least for a while.
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We went on our planned “date” - it was pretty fine, we were laughing, looking at each other a lot and sharing a few compliments. It was the closest to our “normal” communication and behavior from before the revelation, since all of that happened. At one point she did raise the R topic carefully, saying something like “why do we often focus on so many irrelevant problems, while neglecting the really important relations in the meantime, until it gets too late to do anything”... It struck me a bit, but I just concluded saying “I agree, these are tough times and we often lose focus… But we should use moments of revelation to become better versions of ourselves, and learn from our mistakes to improve it all, since it is not too late”. She agreed, and we did not get back to that topic any more.
OK well first of all it sounds like you kept the date light and problem-free which is perfect. But don't forget to listen and validate! When you say "I agree, these are tough times.... etc." it sounds kind of like you're trying to put your own spin on what she said, right? Instead, try asking her how it makes her feel. Sad? Anxious? Worried? Whatever she says she feels, listen intently, and make validating statements about her feelings. THIS is what will make her feel like you're really listening to her and trying to understand where she is coming from.
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And finally - what should I do if she initiates sex again before our therapy happens?
Then have sex. If she initiates then go for it.
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And I really don’t want her to do this forcefully because she feels the “responsibility” to please me.
Let her worry about that. If she initiates then she either wants to have sex, or she wants to fill your needs, or both. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with either. Don't surround it with unneeded drama! Just partake and enjoy it!
