Since most of the people here suggested reading 5LL, I decided to wrap that one up first - I’m almost at the halfway point, and already have some ideas, but don’t want to jump to any conclusions before reading it all through. And immediately after, I’ll go back to reading SSM.
@AnotherStander
Thanks for bringing me down to earth. And yes, you are absolutely right - even I feel like I might be trying too hard in the PT department. Definitely easing up on that moving forward.
Last night I read a lot about Validation and really want to start applying that whenever I get a chance. But today we haven’t talked much anyway, it’s been a strange day…
@Mumin
Hadn’t had a chance to look into “No more mr Nice Guy” much yet, just read a review and a short summary. From what I read there - it definitely sounds like I am “the Nice Guy”, so this is gonna be the next book I read right after I finish 5LL and SSM. Thanks for the recommendation.
@may22
Sorry to hear you were going through the same thing as my W. I can only imagine how hard that was, looking at her now. She claims everything is ok, but I can see that she is a bit tense most of the time, and that our conversations are a bit too “formal” and not our regular conversations from before the “revelation”... I guess that is normal, considering that it’s just been a week...
Do you have any suggestions on what you would have appreciated from your H when you were going through this? What things had the best influence? And what was worst? How did things unfold for you? (I apologize if I'm asking too much)
@sandi2
I would like her to feel relaxed when she’s with me as you said, but it is not all up to me as you know even better unfortunately.
I am really doing my best to be positive, all the reading has a good influence on me and raises my optimism, but when I stand in front of her to talk, I can sense that she is tense… But I’m still completely avoiding any R topics. Just focusing on daily stuff, making jokes (not the ones that she dislikes) and taking care of our D. I’ve been having some really good time with our D for the past few days, doing most of the work around her.
I’ll try to take them out over the weekend somewhere nice where we can all enjoy some sun and nature - anything else with friends is unfortunately out of question, as my W is really avoiding any meetings and public places due to Covid, she is very strict on that one.
I accidentally saw her reading some article about sex issues women have in marriages, so she seems to be doing some research on her own as well. I don’t want her to feel now it’s all about sex, at least not because of me. But I’m not gonna push for any further discussion on this topic first.
@R2C
I hear what you are saying, thank you, I’ve been reading through your threads and everything you went through, and I can only admire how strong and self aware you are now.
And I’m definitely putting my sexual needs on the back burner for the time being - I don’t really feel like sex would be a good idea at this point anyway.
So a few thoughts I have so far:
The more I read about all of this - the less I have sex on my mind and am actually thinking about evrything else. How we’ve neglected romance and attraction in the past few years, without ever thinking about it and realizing (at least on my side). And we neglected it both. Just reading through 5LL made me feel like I am not getting my Emotional Bank Account filled either most of the time. We have sooo much room for improvement on both sides. I just hope she doesn’t lose faith and stays involved.
I am also hesitant about sharing anything I read with her - I might share 5LL once I’m done with it, as it seems like a good literature for anyone who wants to improve their marriage. I would avoid giving her any inputs why she should read it so she doesn’t get the impression that I’m telling her she is doing something wrong (even though I do feel like none of us is using the appropriate love language in the past few years like I mentioned before). She is a smart person, I think she will like this and actually think about her approach towards me. Or you guys think this is not a good idea?
We went on our planned “date” - it was pretty fine, we were laughing, looking at each other a lot and sharing a few compliments. It was the closest to our “normal” communication and behavior from before the revelation, since all of that happened. At one point she did raise the R topic carefully, saying something like “why do we often focus on so many irrelevant problems, while neglecting the really important relations in the meantime, until it gets too late to do anything”... It struck me a bit, but I just concluded saying “I agree, these are tough times and we often lose focus… But we should use moments of revelation to become better versions of ourselves, and learn from our mistakes to improve it all, since it is not too late”. She agreed, and we did not get back to that topic any more.
And finally - what should I do if she initiates sex again before our therapy happens? I know I am not going to be initiating anything. And I really don’t want her to do this forcefully because she feels the “responsibility” to please me. At this point I really don’t want her to suffer, even if that means not sex for a few months until we get some steady advice and guidance from the Therapist. But I also don’t want to reject her and make her feel even worse.
Me: 33 W: 35 D: 2 Together: June 2010 Married: June 2016
