A day at a time

[may22]

Alison, Wooba... will respond more. The ritual idea makes a lot of sense to me.

Steve, the primary requirement was 100% NC with AP forever. In addition, signing a post-nup that outlines the financial and custody arrangements we had discussed, which are favorable to me. (Note that we haven't actually done this yet, but have talked about it at length. I just need to sit him down one night and actually review the paperwork together. I don't know what is stopping me on this.)

Beyond that, there were significant changes in what he said. Previously, he had said things like "I don't know if I can ever be happy" in the MR with me. When we made the decision to stay together and work on the MR, he said things he had never said throughout this entire saga-- he believed we could fall back in love with each other, he wanted that, he had not shown me loving behaviors for years and he would show me through actions that he had changed. Instead of acting like running off with AP was his perfect life and staying with me and the kids was Plan B, he said he was actively choosing me and the MR. That was what he wanted. He went to the edge of D, securing an apartment, etc and looked at his life Ded from me, and realized that is not what he wants. He also told me that the fantasy D he had hung onto for so long was just that, a fantasy, and not only because I wouldn't have participated; AP wouldn't have participated in it either. Finally, he also came clean on a last set of lies and went through and threw out a box of mementos from AP.

I do believe he has been NC with AP this entire time and that the lies have stopped. (This is something central to his identity and I think a big relief for him.) He has not been showing me "loving behaviors" throughout the last two months since he cut it off with AP as he said he would, though those have stepped up somewhat in the last couple of weeks (which TBH kind of freaks me out, especially the PT). He went through a few weeks of being a total @ss, alien, angry and depressed. That seems to have lifted, for now. He is doing lots of acts of service (my LL) but cannot seem to deal with my anger. He is 100% open to MC but I'm not super interested until he is over AP since last time we were in MC when he cut it off with her he spent most of the time whining about being sad about her, and hearing him talk about her is a boundary for me.

That's basically it. He wants me to lean in and trust him. I simply can't right now.