Update (not that much has changed!) I have not seen H for about 3 weeks now, I found him so depressing and annoying last time I saw him that I arranged to pick up ds2 from a central location after my little holiday instead of having him dropped off. Ds2 said he was bored and didn't want to go and stay there again for a long time. We had a really nice chat on the way back, and more nice chats when taking ds2 to his activities (which are all cancelled now sadly). He is such a delightful person, not many 15 year olds are so I feel truly blessed to have him smile I also went to see ds1 at uni for a walk and picnic after he was quarantined for 2 weeks with his household riddled with covid. It was so lovely seeing him looking well and happy to be outdoors again! I might go visit him briefly another weekend, but he will be home in about 3 weeks anyway, which will be nice for ds2 who is missing him I think. Their relationship is so lovely smile

Lockdown 2 is TOUGH, I feel very depressed about it even though I have arranged to see friends for walks and so on. This time of year is hard enough normally with dark days, add nowhere to go and nothing to do and the monotony is really getting to me. I'm usually quite a chirpy person but right now I am struggling. I got some house repairs done and have a list of more stuff to get fixed, H complained how much it was lol. So I'm making progress on my to do lists but it feels like groundhog day right now.

My new man is very, very keen on me, and part of me is finding it a bit offputting, like I feel responsible for his happiness or something. Not helped by lockdown, when he can't really see people other than me and his kids. We went for a long walk last week and I found him quite annoying. Our holiday together was really nice actually, we got on really well and had some lovely meals and days out and plenty of nice time together. He cooks for me and looks after me so well, he is very thoughtful and loving. He kept saying stuff like how nice it was 'living together' but I did feel a little bit stifled since I have not spent that much time with anyone in years now. I don't know how much of me finding him irritating is a desire for space and not feeling pressured to be responsible for his happiness, and how much is me feeling depressed about lockdown and uncertain about making any plans for next year (new man wants to go travelling round Europe with me, which feels impossible right now). So I have kind of been avoiding him a bit in the hope that some time away from him will make me feel more warm towards him. I can kind of see now how H felt like this about me, but also that it's not really anything new man has done, but more about what is going on inside me and so that applies to H as well. I've gone from feeling desperate for intimacy and connection to feeling like I need some space and like I don't want anyone in my life right now (even though lockdown 2 is lonely, go figure!) Christmas is also looming, and new man does not have his kids Christmas day. What to do about the kids and H? Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. For now, I will just keep working hard, try to see friends where possible and get out in daylight when there is any! Lockdown 2 won't last forever even if it feels that way...Watch this space if I manage to pluck up the courage for a D chat! Preferably before H spends all our money on expensive wine and taking cash out to do goodness knows what with.