Thank you so much folks. Your kind words keep me afloat.
It’s been two days, and I’ve barely slept. I keep expecting her to tell me she’s moving out, and I keep hugging my kids like it’s that last time. I’m just now starting to relax by a hair, but still terrified. I definitely have deep seated abandonment issues, and it’s pulling me apart.
I need some advice, and this time I’m coming to you WELL ahead of doing anything stupid.
My wife may or not be asexual. My guess - and faith - is that she has a low libido, is traumatized from our rocky relationship and her compulsion to be a people pleaser (which made her capitulate to things she didn’t want) and is in shutdown. She is saying things is black and white terms because she is hurting and our marriage is on the edge.
But the important thing is that she is deeply hurting right now. She may have undiagnosed aspergers, adhd, and I’m starting to suspect, bipolar. She had a cry for help a few years ago where I thought I’d lost her. If she were to move out right now, I would worry for her safety and the safety of my kids in her care.
This is what my therapist suggests: Deescalate and get her help, get her to trust me enough to help her find support for her issues. He suggests I sit her down and say: “W, I see you saying sex is the core schism of our marriage and we are doomed to split, which is why you’re looking for apartments. Instead, let’s commit to not worrying about any of this until S2 is 4. You don’t need to move out, instead I will remove all pressure and we can focus on getting you help and support so you don’t feel so stuck and pressured.”
What do you all think? I told my therapist I would talk it over with my “people” and check it against DB strategy. I don’t know where to deviate from DB with a depressed spouse who is showing substance abuse signs.