Still Learning...

[Sage4]

Oh friends, thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words.

*I* am worried about *you*. It breaks my heart that you are looking back at this conversation with your husband and seeing places you could have been more compassionate towards him or validated more. Honestly, Sage. Why are you pouring so much of your beautiful energy into this broken vessel?

May, you have no idea what these words meant to me yesterday. I sobbed reading them, the release was exactly what I needed. I realized after a good cry that I was perpetuating the enabling cycle in my R with H: don't give him too much burden or he will break and then you will have so much more on your plate. But that's not my role anymore, for three huge reasons: 1. he fired me from that position, it is not my job to 'protect' him anymore; 2. everyone is going down if I do (ie if I have a real breakdown); and 3. H needs to figure this all out on his own, it is unfair of me to intervene in his process, he has asked for me to step out of the way when he separated from me. I wasn't the only one to choose to have four children and the burden (and joy!) of raising them shouldn't be mine alone.

After a fleeting moment of considering running away to Argentina and renting a small flat and restarting my life, I found my balance again.

H came to take troubled child out for lunch and have a conversation about everything. They were gone for two hours and had a nice time. H and I had a conversation afterwards where I expressed how close to the edge I was and that I was worried about my ability to keep it up. I got teary and I think it shook H. Three hours to myself in 12 days is not going to cut it with the burden of homeschooling, 24/7 parenting, very little adult interaction, no exercise and everything else going on. We came up with a plan where 2-3 times a week H will help share homeschooling duties and give me a chance to exercise during school days. I feel good about this and have a roadmap to recovering some of my mental well-being.

Your comment pushed me to have this conversation, so thank you SO much May.

I can tell H feels guilty and shameful. But not my problem. Detachment, I could hug you!

Ah man, I have been there in SPADES. I remember when H moved out, I felt so stuck. Eldest was furious with him, and very hurt, and if I listened patiently and showed validation and understanding, H would be furious and feel undermined. And I tossed and turned around this so much. When we were all together, H seemed to need me, desperately, to demonstrate loyalty and respect to him by echoing parenting strategies which were at worst, bullying, and at best, really rooted in his own needs and deficiencies rather than the needs of the kids. I felt so tangled and distressed - my desperation to keep my marriage alive, my care and worry for my children, my wondering how I could help H and Eldest in their relationship (or manipulate them into being peaceful with each other because that was better for me...) my fear that if I didn't get H behaving better and more kindly, Eldest would be massively damaged by it, my feeling that I was having to choose between being a good mother and having a husband - all of that. It was horrible.

But all so unnecessarily complicated. The needs of your children come first. You don't have to be a perfect parent all the time to trust your own judgement. Now and again even two good parents acting in their kids best interests will disagree. If one parent isn't able to act in their children's best interests, or is playing out marriage drama in the co-parenting interactions, the best thing to do is detach. Love your kids, trust that time will take the heat out of most things, that they will rest in the security you offer them, and H can project onto you, or get his act together, and there's not a thing you can do to change whatever pathway he's on right now.

Alison, thank you so much for this perspective. I remember reading about this in your earlier posts and now I am living it. And your latest thread on detaching and letting go of the responsibility of trying to fix everything for everyone is really inspiring me right now. Priority one is me, then my children and if there is leftover psychic energy, I can choose to share my energy with H. I put this into practice yesterday with our conversation where I asked H to step in and support. He could have said yes or no, that is on him. But I certainly wasn't going to get anywhere if I didn't ask.

If said child is 13 or under, the visitation IS forced, or will be when there is a custody agreement.

What do YOU think is said child's objection to the visitation? Do they just want to sleep in their own bed? Do they miss their friends in the neighborhood when they're gone? Do they not like H's living quarters? Are they mad at dad and don't want to see him? Is it something about dad's behavior when they're there that disturbs them?

You are right, KML. I know when a formal agreement is in place, it may well be forced. So I have been forcing child to spend the night against child's wishes for two months now. Child enjoys spending time with H, day time activities are not really an issue, child loves H, even if child feels closer to me and has some issues with H. It's the overnights at H's house.

Among some other (what I feel to be minor) issues that you mentioned above, child has sleep anxiety and there were some incidences early on in the S where child wasn't cared for as he needed to be at night with H and that started the spiral. If we were in courts, a child psychologist would be involved as it is really quite bad. But H and I have come up with a solution for the time being: child will spend H's custody days and as much free time with H as makes sense and then come home to sleep with me. We are going to try and reset, with the eventual hope that child will begin to feel safe spending the night there again sometime in the near future. I have no idea how this is going to work out, but it feels like the right path and all parties (including child) feel good about it for now.