I've also been where your wife is. I was the LD partner in an SSM basically since our second daughter (now 8) was born. I can completely empathize with what your W is telling you. I also would sometimes really get into sex once we started, but had zero desire to start, which was really confusing for me. I think it is great she's open to talking about it with you and that you're so dedicated to working on it. I'm going to echo some of the advice you've received above that I think is especially important:
5LL-- very important and I would bet $100 that your W's primary LL is NOT PT. My H and I were in a similar dynamic where his is PT and mine is acts of service, but to me it got to the place where anytime he touched me I thought he wanted sex and would physically shrink away.
Originally Posted by Benji
I hear what you mean when you say what the biggest concern is now her not getting her emotional needs met. I really want to do something about it, but I also don’t want her to feel pressured now by me being too pushy with touches, kisses etc.
You see how you are equating meeting her emotional needs with touches and kisses? PT is very likely being perceived as pressure by her. If you don't want her to read the 5LL book right now, try different things (acts of service, words of affirmation, etc) to show her you love her and see how she responds. Tell her to put her feet up and make dinner and put the baby to bed yourself. Ask her about her day and really listen to her and validate. Give her a real, authentic compliment. Bring her a small, thoughtful gift. Observe her and see what makes her smile.
I really, really recommend Emily Nagowski's Come As You Are and maybe also Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity. If I had read Come As You Are when I was in the midst of the SSM, it would have helped me tremendously. I don't know that asking her to read this book right now is a good idea or if it will come off as pressure. I think reading the 5LL won't be perceived as pressure as much as the Nagowski book, but if she is truly interested in understanding more about female sexuality and desire, I strongly recommend it.
Reinforcing what Sandi says about listening to her and taking her seriously with the jokes. This is another thing my H would do that drove me NUTS. I think that showing her you care what she thinks by listening, validating, and then taking action to support her would go a really long ways.
Finally, I agree with AS-- no R talks, no pressure, relax a bit. I think you and your wife are on a great track to fix this.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
