I started working on improvements immediately - at least for the small stuff like bad jokes, going to the toilet with an open door and similar, and she praised this herself yesterday saying that she feels that I am doing something to improve and address her complaints already. This is hopefully a good sign.
It is, just don't expect immediate results. It's going to take her time to believe the changes are real and not just "tricks" to placate her, after which you'll revert back. Stick to the changes and give her time to accept and believe them.
Quote
I hear what you mean when you say what the biggest concern is now her not getting her emotional needs met. I really want to do something about it, but I also don’t want her to feel pressured now by me being too pushy with touches, kisses etc.
Yes exactly. It's a balancing act. I think the 5LL book will help in this respect, it shows how to build that up slowly over time in non-sexual ways.
Quote
I don’t want her to feel that I’m pressuring her to have sex every day now. But I do feel the urge to try and get close to her emotionally and physically, so she doesn’t have the need to look for it somewhere else.
Again, 5LL will help you here. Most men's "primary" LL is PT (physical touch). So they assume their wife needs that too, so if their wife distances then they try to double-down on touchy/feely stuff and sex. But her LL may be something completely different like WoA (words of affirmation) and PT may repulse her if her WoA needs aren't being met. It's important to appeal to her in HER love language.
Quote
I am not pressuring her in doing anything really, just going with the flow. Giving her occasional compliments, kisses and touches. She does feel a bit stiff, and sometimes not in the mood to sit close to me and touch me.
It sounds to me like you're trying too hard in the PT department. You might want to ease up on that and give her some space until you can read SSM and 5LL. Too much PT will feel like pressure to her.
Quote
She admitted that sex with is not that bad in general, and that often times she really enjoys it. But even though that is the case, she lacks the desire to start it and have it, because everything surrounding that “event” is most of the time repulsive. She says that she feels like there was a certain “quantity” of attraction she felt for me, but that all of that was “spent” throughout the years, and she is now not sure if and how this can be restored. She is afraid that it is gone for good and cannot be restored.
This is a PERFECT time to validate. She's opening up to you and letting you know her feelings, and that is GREAT! You should be intently listening and making validating statements like "Thank you for sharing this, it helps me to understand what you are going through, it sounds very difficult." The beauty of validation is she will feel like you are emotionally connecting with her, which is the thing she complains isn't happening. So that would be a huge 180.
Quote
This is the thing that frightens me the most - her constant repetition of the phrase that somehow those feelings of attraction were all “used-up” and she sees no clear way of restoring that. She said she hopes the therapist will give us some exercises that would help igniting this again…
It's how she feels, it's not how she WANTS to feel, but she does anyway. Accept it and help her through it by listening, validating, and giving her time to work through this.
Quote
We will be going to a “date” in a few days, going out for dinner - just the two of us. I did not initiate this because of anything I read, but she mentioned she misses eating a certain dish she likes, and I instinctively suggested going for dinner this week. She immediately accepted.
OK that's fine, just try not to be too pushy. And NO RELATIONSHIP TALKS, PERIOD! She doesn't want to feel pressured right now, and ANY R talk is pressure. If she initiates one then listen and validate. But your stance should be neutral on the matter. You don't bring it up. You don't have an opinion. This is about her.
Quote
How should I act in terms of physical contact now? Should I approach her sexually when I feel the urge, or I should suppress that for a while now? Or should I talk about this with her and ask her how she would like me to act, and what not to do?
Read the books! You've got to lay the groundwork for her to want to have sex with you. THAT is what you should be focusing on for now, not the sex itself.
