She lost sexual attraction...

[Benji]

First of all, I just want to say - wow! All this help and advice so fast, it really gives me optimism! Thank you all, you fantastic people! I’ll try to address most of the topics you shared, sorry if I miss something.

@Steve85
Thanks for the recommendations - I immediately got Michelle's book "The Sex Starved Marriage" and started reading it!

I also read about Talk/Touch charges and started practicing them very discreetly today.

When it comes to your questions about hedonism - you might be right, and we might just be the people who think they are hedonists. My primary intention was to emphasize that we enjoy a lot of similar things that we have been investing our mutual time into, while neglecting our sex life, unfortunately.

@BenB - added Intimacy & Desire by Dr.David Schnarch to my list as well

@Mumin
I am not in IC for a while now, had a few months relapse a year ago, but it lasted just for 2 months and then I stopped with it again. So no IC for more than a year now.

And I take what you said very seriously now - I did start reading the books, but I’ll go back to Step 1 and first go through all relevant threads.

@AnotherStander
Thanks for the recommendation, added Five Love Languages to the list as well!

@sandi2
Sad to hear that you went through a lot of this stuff. I hope you were able to get all this great advice and guidance and managed to get to a point where you feel good again.

I started working on improvements immediately - at least for the small stuff like bad jokes, going to the toilet with an open door and similar, and she praised this herself yesterday saying that she feels that I am doing something to improve and address her complaints already. This is hopefully a good sign.

I hear what you mean when you say what the biggest concern is now her not getting her emotional needs met. I really want to do something about it, but I also don’t want her to feel pressured now by me being too pushy with touches, kisses etc. I don’t want her to feel that I’m pressuring her to have sex every day now. But I do feel the urge to try and get close to her emotionally and physically, so she doesn’t have the need to look for it somewhere else.

@scout12
So sorry to hear that you were going through a similar sitch with your H and how it all unfolded. I wish I had the knowledge to give you some advice how to cope with this, but this is so new for me that I feel like I’m learning to walk again...

I am really not even thinking about D at this point and am ready to do whatever it takes to save our MR. I just hope she will not lose faith and give up down the road. Because I can only imagine how hard it is for her, feeling how she feels, and not feeling sexual attraction for me. It probably makes her less motivated to work hard on this then me…

I do have some updates as well:

Besides the talk/touch charges and controlling the things she was complaining about, I also started working on self-improvements in general - I started exercising more, as I want to get back in great shape and feel great physically, and am focused on delivering good results at work for the past week or so.

I am not pressuring her in doing anything really, just going with the flow. Giving her occasional compliments, kisses and touches. She does feel a bit stiff, and sometimes not in the mood to sit close to me and touch me.

But we did have sex once in meantime, and it was her initiative to do so. I am not sure if she did this just to “get me off her list of duties” for the next few weeks, I was really surprised when this happened. Honestly, I felt like it was my first time - I was petrified that I am going to do something wrong. So it wasn’t such a great experience and it was short, but it opened up a discussion. She admitted that sex with is not that bad in general, and that often times she really enjoys it. But even though that is the case, she lacks the desire to start it and have it, because everything surrounding that “event” is most of the time repulsive. She says that she feels like there was a certain “quantity” of attraction she felt for me, but that all of that was “spent” throughout the years, and she is now not sure if and how this can be restored. She is afraid that it is gone for good and cannot be restored. This is the thing that frightens me the most - her constant repetition of the phrase that somehow those feelings of attraction were all “used-up” and she sees no clear way of restoring that. She said she hopes the therapist will give us some exercises that would help igniting this again…

We will be going to a “date” in a few days, going out for dinner - just the two of us. I did not initiate this because of anything I read, but she mentioned she misses eating a certain dish she likes, and I instinctively suggested going for dinner this week. She immediately accepted.

I also have a few questions regarding some of the things you all shared:

Do I brief her about the activities I have started and loop her in (talk/touch charges strategy, books you shared)? I did mention to her that I am taking this seriously and that I will be spending some time looking up good literature and materials we can use, and she said she would be interested to participate as well.

How should I act in terms of physical contact now? Should I approach her sexually when I feel the urge, or I should suppress that for a while now? Or should I talk about this with her and ask her how she would like me to act, and what not to do?

I apologize if some of these questions will be answered in the threads of the books you all shared - I just did not have time to go through all of that yet as I’ve been working a lot.

Again - thanks for all the support and help, this really makes me feel better and more optimistic!