But I hate that in looking out for the best interest of my children, I am giving H more reasons to hate me.
Ah man, I have been there in SPADES. I remember when H moved out, I felt so stuck. Eldest was furious with him, and very hurt, and if I listened patiently and showed validation and understanding, H would be furious and feel undermined. And I tossed and turned around this so much. When we were all together, H seemed to need me, desperately, to demonstrate loyalty and respect to him by echoing parenting strategies which were at worst, bullying, and at best, really rooted in his own needs and deficiencies rather than the needs of the kids. I felt so tangled and distressed - my desperation to keep my marriage alive, my care and worry for my children, my wondering how I could help H and Eldest in their relationship (or manipulate them into being peaceful with each other because that was better for me...) my fear that if I didn't get H behaving better and more kindly, Eldest would be massively damaged by it, my feeling that I was having to choose between being a good mother and having a husband - all of that. It was horrible.
But all so unnecessarily complicated. The needs of your children come first. You don't have to be a perfect parent all the time to trust your own judgement. Now and again even two good parents acting in their kids best interests will disagree. If one parent isn't able to act in their children's best interests, or is playing out marriage drama in the co-parenting interactions, the best thing to do is detach. Love your kids, trust that time will take the heat out of most things, that they will rest in the security you offer them, and H can project onto you, or get his act together, and there's not a thing you can do to change whatever pathway he's on right now.
