Confused but committed, Part 2

[sandi2]

Oh Hoch, please don't be afraid to post about your mistakes. Don't fear what the board may say, and don't fear you have disappointed anyone here. This is about your life, and if you can't be painfully honest with us......how can we help you?

(((hugs))) You've taken all the responsibility for the breakdown in this MR. You see yourself as a failure, and it's eating you alive. I know you love her, and feel you can't live without her, but this goes beyond loving, IMHO. I mean, this is pure fear I'm seeing in your recent posts. Is it about abandonment issues? Are you a control freak? Are you a perfectionist? What is really at the steering wheel here? Have you read Steve85 link in the blue shaded portion of the first page in newcomers? If not, maybe it would help to calm your anxiety.

My FOO always thought you could work through relationship problems by getting the cards on the table and talking it out. I nearly talked my poor H to death in our early years of M. He doesn't talk, so it usually turned out to be a monologue. It feels natural for us talkers to approach our spouse with concerns. I, too, am a confronter. So, I understand the urge to confront her.

Here's the thing about confrontation. You must have a plan that follows the confrontation. You are seeking an explanation from her. What if the explanation doesn't come, or what if it falls on deaf ears and you get nothing? I think confrontation immediately puts the other person in defense mode. They may counter attack, but it's still a defensive move. Therefore, what will be your next move? See what I mean? If she denies and lies, your confrontation does nothing more than alert her that you are suspicious and she needs to cover her tracks better. It seldom solves the initial problem.

Just before a zoom meeting about my son’s schooling, my wife opened her laptop and I saw she was looking up apartments. My heart froze. I asked if they were for us to move (we had talked about an even cheaper place), or for her to move out. She said “either or,” and reiterated that “it’s not a decision to be made lightly.”

After the meeting ended, I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “I don’t want you to move out. I want to improve this.” She said she’s “just looking for options, not making decisions.”

I said “it hurts me to see you in pain. I never wanted to see you in pain. I see you going through this and I want to do everything in my power to help you. I still love you, even though you feel like you’re failing. I still believe in you.”

She said, very calmly, “the problem is, I can only ever be a partner, I can never be a wife.” I said “it doesn’t change how much I love you, it doesn’t change how much I believe in you. And I don’t want you out of my life.”

Some women might give their eye teeth to hear their H say what you told your W. However, the W who doesn't soften is the one who has hardened her heart against her H. In that case, his tender caring words have little affect on changing her mind. I know it must be very difficult to understand. I wish I had the ability to explain it better.

Having the relationship talks add a lot of emotional pressure to her, and causes her to resist, resent, and run. It's not you.......it's her. The more you express concern, love, needs, etc., the more she'll pull back. That's the nature of a hard hearted wife. At this point, relationship talks are not your friend.

You guys, I don’t know what I’m doing. With this pandemic, with this situation. My heart feels like it’s being pulled out of my chest all over again. I don’t know whether to have faith or not. She sure sounded definite. I’m failing at DBing. I’m failing at detaching. I’m failing at not bringing up the R. I feel ashamed to post here because of how much I’m f*ing this up. I’m going backward.

I think the majority of newcomers can't wrap their minds around the concept of DBing. I mean, they read the advice but they just can't shed their old ways of dealing with a spouse. Some of them can't even see how they are pursuing and pressuring. They are afraid and try to control or change the mind of their spouse. Right now, fear is your biggest enemy, Hoch.

I may have a different take on faith/hope. I don't believe in blind faith. There has to be an object of faith. Faith, IMHO, is not holding your breath and praying a situation will go as you desire. For me, faith is a spiritual function, and I don't put faith in other human beings. God is the object of my faith, and I trust Him to have his perfect will for whatever situation I find myself. His will and His timing is perfect. Mine is not. Therefore, things may not go according to what I desired at the time, but that's okay b/c my will and my timing are imperfect. I know He will do what's best, if I'll get out of His way.

There is a difference in hoping for the best outcome, and being paralyzed by what we can't control. Fear can paralyze us to where we can't function. Hope gives us freedom in ways we may not have considered, and a little thing called time. I guess some people do have to give up hope for their M, in order to just move on with their life. That's something the individual has to decide. I don't think anyone around here will judge you. It's your life.