Still Learning...

[may22]

(((Sage)))

Your burden is too heavy right now. Put some of it down. Don't worry about your H's feelings. They are his to worry about, not yours. You need to talk to him about it because of your children, and you need to be sure your load is bearable. WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS? I sure don't.

I personally don't think there is any value in trying to preserve his feelings or ego or whatever right now. He made his choices. He needs to experience the consequences. It is NOT YOUR JOB to worry about him and his insecurities. You have enough to worry about with your children and yourself.

*I* am worried about *you*. It breaks my heart that you are looking back at this conversation with your husband and seeing places you could have been more compassionate towards him or validated more. Honestly, Sage. Why are you pouring so much of your beautiful energy into this broken vessel?

But I hate that in looking out for the best interest of my children, I am giving H more reasons to hate me.

you are not giving him more reasons to hate you. His "hatred" of you is a reflection of his own self-hatred. He would find something else to pin on you if not this... or, if you succeed at making him feel good about himself even as he willfully and selfishly breaks apart your family, then he will never do the work he needs to do on himself to be the kind of father you want him to be to the children. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and step up and be a good dad. He needs to stop blaming you for his own insecurities and deficiencies. This is all on him. it is not on you. It is his work to do and there is nothing you can to do to help him on his path here-- except possibly block his own progress by trying to smooth everything out for him. Put this burden down.

I need a break. It would be so much easier if the children willingly and happily went to H's. I want that for them and for me.

This problem is big enough that it deserves 100% of your focus. No distractions about H's feelings. If his feelings need to be preserved in order to make it work for your kids, then okay. kiss his @ss to get what you need for yourself and your kids. Otherwise, do what you think is best. Remember how you were reminding me about when the children were toddlers and it mattered more what they ate over the course of a week than in one single meal? Maybe this is like sleep training. Your child is safe with your H. He may not like spending overnights there, but he is safe. He may mostly not like the fact that you guys are S and is acting out in a way to try to bring you back together. (I have read that kids do this kind of thing a lot, maybe not consciously.) So maybe it is in the best interests of your child to be firm and clear and send him to his dad's, so that you H has a chance to work on his own parenting skills without imagining that you're just pulling his puppet strings, and you have the time you desperately need for yourself, to recharge, cry, drink that glass of wine, celebrate the election, exercise, whatever you need to do so that you can be the best mom you can be when you pick them up. And though it breaks your heart to see him upset, just like your heart broke listening to that baby crying himself to sleep, it won't last forever. (Although now I'm thinking knowing you maybe you didn't do it that way!!)

(Note this is me just talking, I really don't know the answer. This is hard, hard stuff and I'm terrified I'll have to walk through it. I salute you for handling all of this with such amazing compassion and grace. You're incredible. I just am worried about you and want you to focus on you and stop worrying about your d!ckhead H.)

And one final solutioning idea, because I simply can't help it-- could you call a child psychologist who specializes in S/D and do a phone consult without making your child jump on a zoom call? Explain the situation and get some advice? or better yet-- suggest your H do this? Then at least you have the third party expert in the room, which both can give you comfort that you're doing what is best for your child, plus takes the weight off of Sage being the all-knowing perfect parent and all his issues around that.

(((SAGE)))