May, thank you so much for this juicy, though-provoking response.
I didn't sleep well last night ruminating on our conversation. In reflection, there were a few moments where I could have done a better job of validating or being more enlightened and compassionate, but for the most part I am proud of how I conducted myself.
I do think this board lacks a discussion about children in all of this. I'm sure it's partly to protect the privacy of innocents and partly because we are so focused on our R. But really they are the ones that suffer the most in all of these situations and they deserve a voice and discussion.
The reason I can't solve this problem on my own is that it has to do with one of my children feeling like the overnight visitation is forced and said child is reacting extremely to this sensation. We probably need to get a therapist involved, but the last thing the kid can handle at the moment is another zoom call, even if that were to be an effective method of therapy for children, which I don't think it is. And in our area, there isn't much in person therapy options. So H and I are stuck trying to work it out how to best proceed, at least for now.
This whole situation perpetuates and increases H's insecurities. Sage the wise one, Sage the beloved, Sage who knows what to do in every situation. I have spent a lot of time talking with my IC to make sure that I am not projecting my own anger/frustration/sadness/issues into this situation, and I feel very comfortable saying I am not doing so. But I hate that in looking out for the best interest of my children, I am giving H more reasons to hate me.
24/7 solo parenting/homeschooling/dealing with our menagerie of pets and trying to find my footing and next steps is EXHAUSTING. The psychic toll of being 'on' all the time is wearing me down. I cried in private several times this weekend-- I just wanted and needed another adult. To celebrate our political situation, to watch the kids so I could go for a run, to laugh and have a glass of wine with that evening.
My self care is non existent at the moment. I don't have 15 consecutive minutes in any day, even my therapy appointments are conducted via phone in my bedroom with children interrupting to ask if they can do this or that. I need a break. It would be so much easier if the children willingly and happily went to H's. I want that for them and for me.
I am at a crossroad: I am damned if I talk to H about this stuff (makes him feel worse about himself) and damned if I don't (perpetuates alienation between H and the kids, makes my load too heavy to bear). My brain feels like it is going to explode.
