Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - part 2

[tom_l]

1) No one-on-one meetings. First, because I might weep and this, for me at least, is not what I want to do. Showing vulnerability and pain is not the way to go according to DB principles; also, I showed her massive amounts of both during the first 90 days after BD, and she was not moved at the time. Finally, there is the matter of her (false) accusation of violence toward her. If I am ever alone with her, without witnesses, she might well claim I threatened her and succeed in getting that restraining order.

OK... so your boundary is that you don't want to see her in person, or you are OK seeing her in person if there are others around? This kind of meshes with #3 as well... and then if you also aren't working things out in writing (#2) and only texting on trivial matters (#4)... how are you imagining you will communicate with her? It seems to me that you simply don't want to see or communicate with her, really, period. Am I reading that right? I think that is a fine boundary. A lot of people find going NC is really helpful for healing and detachment.

If that is really your primary boundary-- that conversing with her in person, on the phone, on Facetime, etc. is painful for you and you are trying to avoid it-- then I might focus on how you can avoid talking with her through any medium as much as possible. There are a lot of strategies discussed here to maintain NC, how to respond to certain types of communication and which types need no response. She'll learn.

I can't recall exactly where you are in the D process and what really needs to be dealt with right now vs. can wait. Do you know what you need out of the D process? Can you talk with your L about how he/she recommends you move forward, with you trying to minimize contact with her? Are there discussions that need to take place by a certain time? How can you structure the interactions that need to happen to protect yourself as much as possible?

For now, I don't want to see her in person. Even with others. There are multiple reasons, but I am not sure I could get through it without weeping.

We saw each other two times after D-Day/BD. Then she and her attorney devised their little strategy and went nuclear on me; I didn't have an attorney yet and they thought I would buckle. But I rebounded and got good advice, and their gambit failed. She knows that poisoned the well. That's on her.

I saw her once since then. Through her attorney she asked to pick up some clothes, and we arranged a date and time. She brought two witnesses, I had one. Talk about the dumbest, stupidest situation ever. We had a good marriage (at least I thought so), never a smidgen of anger or fearful behavior, and a strong family, and now we have to have freaking witnesses to do something simple like pick up clothing. Sheesh.

I have not seen her since. She has her own place (I am not supposed to know where it is, so she can maintain the farce that she is in "fear" of me). It is close by but probaby in a neighboring town. I expect she is grocery shopping at places I will never frequent and doesn't even go to the same Starbucks and Target anymore because she doesn't want to bump into me.

We are 13 months into the divorce and about halfway through administratively, although the pace could be picked up and it could be finished in early spring. My attorney is actually OK with direct contact, as she is not the type who is trying to ratchet up her billings. In fact, I did send an email this weekend at my attorney's request. But it was all business.

As for protecting myself, I have accomplished that by just not answering, since maybe February this year. She had begun sending little easy messages like "when do you want to list the house?" and "can I come by to pick up some clothes?" I said it earlier, perhaps it was petulant of me, but I never answered. You see, I wrote HER extensively during the first 90 days and she never said a peep. Nothing. Yes, I was baring my soul (I didn't know about DB yet) and not talking to her was torture, yet she refused. She walked out thinking she had all the power and all the control. She wanted a quick divorce so she could run with her share of the assets and home equity. So by me delaying, and slowing things down, I was at least able to win that battle for now. Now I have some control.

2) No working things out in writing, at least for now. Sorry, this boundary is not so much a matter of pain but one of trying, finally, to get some level of control of the settlement process.

So this feels more like a tactic than a boundary. I think it is okay to set this as a tactic, I just wouldn't call it a boundary. (Also wondering what that means for how you might actually get things settled-- you want to do it all through your attorneys, is that right?) Does this also mean you don't want to correspond with her via email at all?

Yes I corresponded with her recently, but pure business. About healthcare coverage because this is enrollment month.

3) No verbal discussions. I am still pretty wounded. That means not over the phone and certainly no facetime.

OK. Easy. Don't call her, don't pick up the phone when she does. If she leaves you a VM you can decide whether or not to listen to it.

It's interesting, she sent me a text a few months back that was a photo of her. It didn't begin with "Tom ..." but said something like, "look at this outfit!" I replied, "[STBXW], I don't think you meant this for me" and she said, "you're right." But making a blunder like that, even an innocent one, is not her style. I think it was deliberate. I think she was testing me to see if I would jump at the chance to communicate with her.

Had it been between September and January, I would have. But by May of this year, that urge had passed.

As for why she would want to communicate with me, it's possible she wanted to declare a truce and work this out together without lawyers. I might do that. But we're adults, we don't need to beat around the bush about important things. She started this all, if she wants to start rolling up her sleeves she can ask me directly. She knows I'm a technical man and don't appreciate little hints; approach me directly.

4) Texting to coordinate the trivial is fine. When it come to the children, they are all adults and I will let them be the interface.

OK. So, if there are topics you are okay texting with her about, maybe you can figure out what those are and interact with her via text as necessary to work them out. A lot of people prefer email over texting, though, because reading them and knowing they arrived is much more under your control (you decide to check your email) rather than getting an alert on your phone, maybe jarring you out of a good space.

RTC has good suggestions for how to enforce. Let us know how it all goes.

I think I explained it all above. I don't want to discuss the R at all. I am not ready to grieve the marriage with her, like a lot of former couples do. I will not be able to hold back. I guess that means I haven't fully grieved the marriage myself. Others here on DB have said it's time to let go but I'm not wired that way. Like swans, I mated for life. I will marry again, of that I am certain, and the pain is not as searing as it was, but it's still there.